Nothing Can Be Done Except Little by Little...

I wore red lipstick yesterday.

When I say red, I mean full blown-Natalie Wood- 1950's red.

It all started when I was putting on my make up yesterday afternoon. Tucked away in the corner of my make up bag was a tube of red lipstick. I smiled a little as I recalled it's entrance into my life. I had purchased it my senior year of college for a Musical I was doing called 'Flora The Red Menace,' and ended up using it for every show after that. I glanced in the mirror and found a split second of courage, that allowed me enough time to apply the vivacious color. As I unpuckered my lips, a new woman began to emerge; a woman I hadn't seen in 3 1/2 years.

To say I had more confidence, got better tips, and had more people look in my direction would seem cliche~ but it's the honest truth. Red lipstick day, was the best day of my week...heck, the best day of my month so far!

Fast forward 24 hours. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, with my depression clouding all that came my way. I didn't shower, I didn't put any make up on, and I wore my glasses instead of my contacts. I was in a bad mood all day, I didn't get great tips and I ate like crap because I felt like crap.

This miniature unplanned experiment got me thinking on the subway ride home from work; and in turn that thinking morphed into a theory.

For the past 7 years that I've dealt with depression, I've found the little tasks harder to complete than any of their larger components. Write a 4 page essay every night for 2 months for your directing class? Sure! Get up every day and shower? Eh... maybe not.

For as long as I can remember, I've allowed my goals to be larger than life. After all, aren't we taught to dream big? And while there's nothing wrong with planning to succeed in the larger things in life, perhaps it's less about the big goals, and more about the tiny steps to achieve them.

Bruce Barton was on to something when he said "Sometimes when I consider what tremendous consequences come from little things, I am tempted to think there are no little things."

How could simply applying a fun lipstick color have changed my entire day? It was such a small split second decision, but perhaps that's it. There is no such thing as a 'little thing.'

I recall a discussion I was having with one of my best friend's, Aaron Pratt, a couple of years ago. He had some simple yet seemingly profound advice for me. He told me to make it a goal every morning, to take a shower, get dressed and do my hair and makeup. No matter what I had planned, no matter where I was going, I would wake up and be ready for success.

If I cannot simply take care of myself, and my belongings, how do I expect to achieve all I dream? Lawrence D. Bell's quote is terrifyingly true. "Show me a man who cannot bother to do little things, and I'll show you a man who cannot be trusted to do big things."

I am going to shift my focus immensely over the next few weeks, and begin focusing on the small things. I am going to strive to follow Aaron's advice in every area of my life. Instead of living "outside the box" I am going to try and live exactly as I should. Drink 8 glasses of water, brush my teeth and floss every day, go to bed early and wake up early, pray, shower, and dress to impress daily.

I want to be a woman who can be trusted with the big dreams in life, therefore, I am going to conquer the little ones first.

An Ode to My New Sweetheart....

New York City...

"You have bewitched me body and soul"

Upon returning to the city, I found that my love for it

has grown immensely (apparently some of my neighbors feel the same).

In my case, absence DID make the heart

grow fonder :)

I have decided that this 'go round' of living in NYC, I am making the city my lover. NYC has my undivided devotion, and I am going to do nothing but appreciate the lovely things about him...I mean, think about it!

He makes me happy and surprises me with some of my favorite things... like SNOW!

He has a fantastic sense of humor! (Literally a poster on the subway)

He's beautiful...

He's extremely talented...

And he's religious...

Who could ask for anything more? :)

I'll leave you with the wise words of Daddy Warbucks, Annie and Grace from the Musical 'Annie'... they totally get it ;)

"NYC, What is it about you
You're big, You're loud,You're tough.

NYC, I go years without you
Then I Can't get Enough.
Enough of the cab drivers answering back
In the language far from pure.
Enough of frankfurters answering back
Brother, you know you're in NYC
Too busy, Too crazy, Too hot
Too cold, Too late I'm sold
Again On NYC.

What other town has the Empire State
No other town in The whole forty eight
Can half compare To you

Oh NYC
You make 'em all postcards
You crowd You cramp
You're still The champ
Amen For NYC
The shimmer of Times Square
The pulse The beat
The drive!Oh, NYC
The whole world keeps coming
By bus By train
You can't Explain
Their yearn
For NYC
Just got here this morning
Three bucks Two bags
One me
NYC
I give you fair warning
Up there In lights I'll be
Go ask the Gershwins or Kaufman and Hart
The place they love the best
Though California pays big for their art
Their fan mail comes addressed to NYC
Tomorrow a penthouse
That's way up high
Tonight The "Y"
Why not It's NYC "

Do you believe in Heaven?

I was reading the news online and came across the story of this sweet young man who after a lifetime of heart problems, finally passed away on Christmas. He had made a video that recently went viral and it touched me so deeply.

Here it is

What a beautiful reminder that life is a gift, that we should make the most out of this life, and we shouldn't fear what is to come after this.

Ponderments...

The week between Christmas and New Years always seems to bring a week long reflection of not only the past year, but also of my life as a whole.

Have I made positive steps forward in any areas? Did I accomplish my New Years Resolutions?

Almost always the answer is no; and this years 'week of pondering' has brought me to seek a conclusion to the inevitable "no" that lurks in the shadows year after year.

All of this soul searching has really paid off and I'm pleased to announce that I have found the culprit...

Fear.

Intrigued by this thought, I decided to look up the actual definition of fear, which reads: "an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, , likely to cause pain, or a threat."

The definition registered deep within my heart as something I was well acquainted with. The universe conspired to help me develop this idea further when I accidentally stumbled upon a quote from J. K. Rowling. She says, "It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all, in which case you have failed by default."

Now I understand that this quote says nothing about fear directly, however the essence of it reeks with pure understanding of what fear can cause.

My whole life I have been fearful of the most ridiculous things. I'm not referring to my previous post on irrational fears (those are all completely logical in my book) however, I am more so thinking about hundreds of little things that have caused me to miss out on great opportunities. I mess up something one time, and suddenly I'm afraid to try it again. Cooking, tap dancing, losing weight, writing music, auditioning, new years resolutions, love, socializing, church... I could go on and on!

When I really begin to ponder upon the things I have missed because of these little fears, it makes me extremely angry. I have been living my life on 'default mode' long enough!

3 1/2 years ago I was crushed from the inside out by several circumstances that left me in more pieces than I could even fathom. Ever since then, I have played my life as cautiously as possible, and spiraling into deeper and deeper sadness. I have been so terrified that I will repeat the same mistakes, I've steered clear of needing to make decisions at all! Life is meant to be lived, and that is a terrifying thing. However, isn't a life of scary accomplishments worth more than a life of safe mediocre achievements?

I vote yes.

"If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment."

Marcus Aurelius

Ironically enough, the idea that fear and faith cannot exist simultaneously was introduced to me through a devotional at church. I guess it really is that easy huh? If you feel fear, choose faith.

Dear 2011...

Thinking back on this last year automatically makes my head shake back and forth in disbelief, accompanied by a slight chuckle.

What started out as such a promising year, a year that I was going to devote to serving God and other people; has turned into a year of finding a relationship with God and serving myself.

As many of you know, this year has presented trail after trial, most of them literally bringing me to my knees. However, through the grace of God, this holiday season is proving to be one of learning, understanding, and most of all acceptance.

In my morning scripture study, I'm reading in Mosiah out of the Book of Mormon. The 24th chapter of this book particularly struck me. It's the story of the people of Alma. They are righteous and following all of God's commandments, when they are overtaken by a horrible man named Amulon and his armies.

"10 And it came to pass that so great were their afflictions that they began to cry mightily to God.

11 And Amulon commanded them that they should stop their cries; and he ^aput guards over them to watch them, that whosoever should be found calling upon God should be put to death.

12 And Alma and his people did not raise their voices to the Lord their God, but did pour out their ^ahearts to him; and he did know the ^bthoughts of their hearts."

When I read this passage I felt overcome by so many different emotions.

First of all: how often, in times of trial, do we blame God and turn away from him? These people were righteous, put under horrible trials of no consequence to their actions, and still they leaned on Him.

Second, I felt a twinge of guilt. My trials are nowhere near as bad as these people, and yet I have complained, murmured, and even forsaken my God. Where has my faith gone? Why have I become so entitled that I feel as if I don't deserve trials?

The next lesson came from the following passage:

" 13 And it ^acame to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage. 14 And I will also ease the ^aburdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as^bwitnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their ^cafflictions."

How often do I treat my relationship with God as that of a Genie granting wishes? I've somehow gotten it into my mind that having the faith to ask God for something, will automatically grant me my desires. God eventually delivered the people of Alma from their slavery, but it wasn't until they showed Him their faith during their trials. This year, at the first sign of a trial, I turned my back on God and engaged in the " why me?" game. The results of these actions have simply brought more challenges.

Yes, 2011 has been one of the worst years of my life, but it's also been quite amazing as well. I've been humbled in a way i've never comprehended before. I've truly begun to understand what Oprah meant, when she said:

"Be careful what you pray for. If you want to be more courageous, God isn't going to zap you with courage. He's gonna provide you with a hard experience to build up your courage."

I didn't nessecarily pray to be more humble, but I am now able to say I am grateful for the opportunities (trials) that have helped me clear a foggy mind. Over the past few weeks I have begun to delight in the Lord, no matter my circumstances, and therefore have been able to see His hand in every aspect of my life.

Irrational Fears

Some of you may know that I have a few things that I am completely terrified of. Upon telling most people all my irrational fears, they tell me how ridiculous I am, to which I respond with:

"Isn't that the point of irrational fears? They are, by definition, not rational?"

Here are the top three, listed from most to least severe.

1. Vampires

Seriously, even typing the word gives me the heebie jeebies. I'm sorry there is no picture with this one, but the image search for 'vampires' made my heart rate increase.

Up until my senior year of high school, I slept with the covers wrapped around my neck. I'm not kidding. It could have been 105 Degrees in my bedroom and I still would have had something covering prime biting area.

The most common response to this fear is:

"But Courtney, vampires aren't real."

Listen people, I understand this, I'm not a total idiot.

Last night I had my interest peaked through an interview I read about Brad Pitt, and thought I'd check out the preview for 'Interview With A Vampire'- biggest mistake of the week. I was so terrified after that preview I had to sleep with my hoodie pulled up over my head and tightly tied, so that no Vampire could have access to my neck.

2. Sharks

Many people fear the creatures of the deep, but I am terrified of sharks in the sea, in a lake, in a river, even in the bathtub. Ok, not actually in the bathtub, but every other water where I can't see my toes is game.

I have this theory at the beach that if I can be the person closest to the sand, with a ring of people further out then me, the shark is bound to attack them first giving me time to run into shore. Selfish, I know.

3. Logging trucks

I can thank the Final Destination movies for this fear. It never occurred to me that a log could loose itself and plummet through my windshield and into my skull, before that movie was released. If there is a logging truck, I will be the furthest lane away from it, and pass it as quickly as possible.

What are some of your irrational fears? I ask mainly so you'll respond and i'll feel less ridiculous ;)

9/11

It seems as though coverage of the 10th Anniversary, of the 9/11 Terrorist Attacks started over a month ago.

Every week there has been a new story, picture or article that touched me to my core.

That day, so many years ago started out like every other and ended with fear in the hearts of so many, myself included. I was a Junior in High School, and by second period, the TV's were on; watching live coverage of the terror striking New York, Washington D.C., and Pennsylvania. They canceled all after school activities (including play practice) and I remember being livid that they did so. I wanted a distraction from the terrible sights on the news. I wanted 2 hours where I didn't have to focus on what was really happening.

My story is so simple. In fact, it's like the majority of the world. Our Grandparents remember where they were when Pearl Harbour was bombed, and we so vividly remember where we were when we heard the Trade Center's had been the target of a terrorist attack.

What drew me closer to this day, was moving to NYC and living in Manhattan for 3 fall seasons. Every 9/11 I would take the train downtown to pay my respects to those who lost their lives on that sorrowful day.

The displays of love, the stories told, the pictures left, the relatives mourning, the light beams representing the 2 towers; all brought me to tears every year.

It was hard for me to fully comprehend the loss until I was there, on the day, realizing I was standing on the grave of thousands.

Last year, I had the opportunity to go pay my respects with my dear friend Bianca, who was only blocks away from the towers that fateful day. Walking around Ground Zero with her brought the whole horrific event into even more of a reality. Here stood one of my dearest friends, praying at the site that she feared for her life 9 years ago. I'm so thankful that she is here to be my friend.

Thinking about those who lost their lives makes all of our differences so minute doesn't it? Well it should.

Whether you have your conspiracy theories, or don't. Whether you are for the War in Iraq or against it. Whether you are Republican or Democrat: I hope that as you are going about your day tomorrow, take a moment to yourself, and offer a prayer for those who were directly effected by this tragedy. No matter what you believe, there is one thing that cannot be denied. 2,996 people lost their lives that day.

(Collection of gifts left at Ground Zero in the NYC WTC Museum)

“Time is passing. Yet, for the United States of America, there will be no forgetting September the 11th. We will remember every rescuer who died in honor. We will remember every family that lives in grief. We will remember the fire and ash, the last phone calls, the funerals of the children. “
- President George W. Bush, November 11, 2001

(Cross made from remnants of the World Trade Centers)