The shrinking game....

It all started with an email forwarded to me by my roommate Lauren. 

Are you unhappy with the way you look?

Consider my attention caught.

Do you want to lose weight?

Yes.

Do you want to earn a good sum of money and be featured in a commercial ad for Hydroxycut by losing weight?

Um... would anyone seriously answer no to that question!?

If so, email us a few pictures of yourself, your age, height, current weight, and the weight you would like to become.

click, click, click....send.

Before I even finished sending my admission I had already forgotten about it. This is how actors learn to cope with constant rejection. You train yourself to forget about everything you audition and submit for; that way when you receive a call back, it's a pleasant surprise! Anyways....

A week ago, as I was checking my email I noticed what looked to be a spam (that I'm thankful I didn't delete). It was the from the good people at Hydroxycut. They had received my email and thought I could possibly be a candidate for their new campaign. I was given a time to come in for a call back.

After many embarrasing, yet exciting events that followed (if you want a detailed account just call me and I'll tell you) I was offered a 'contract' to participate in the program. Basically I am a spokesperson for the new brand of diet pills called Xenadrine Ultra. 

These pills are completely safe and a great way to jumpstart a diet if you want!

I receive the pills each month along with a coach who will be my confidant during the process.I was given the opportunity to attend a nutrition class (taught by the very lovely and wise Adele Fridman) and a $100 gift card to whole foods to start this process off correctly!  If I make enough progress, and lose the amount of weight which is my goal, then I receive a monetary compensation, and a possible chance to be in a commercial for them!

These people saw something in me. They saw a potential in me that i've been struggling to find in myself. They were so kind, so understanding, and completely motivating. 

Everything aside, what really excites me is the opportunity to finally become what I've always known my potential is. People always say "Courtney you don't need to lose weight... you're beautiful the way you are." Thank you for anyone who thinks this. I really appreciate having such wonderful people in my life. However, the point is: 

I need to be happy with the way I look and the way I feel.

I need to be healthy and fit.

I need to be able to love myself.

Over the next several months I will be updating you on the weight loss, the program and any tips that I find inspiring... I invite you to join with me if this is something you are struggling with as well. 

The point is, we all deserve to live up to our potential. This is the week to figure out those goals, create a plan, and begin execution! We all have such divine potential!

Cheers!

Here I come!!

I've just spent the past 6 months planning for Graduate School auditions. 

I got all the paper work together, recruited old professors for recommendations, spent ridiculous amounts of hours deliberating over which monologues to choose.

 It all lead me to the past two days where I spent the entire morning/afternoon auditioning. 

I took a break from acting for a year to get my life in order. I needed the opportunity to find myself. I needed to get a check on my spirituality, physicality, and beliefs about the world in general. In short- I needed a break from pretending to be other people, so I could find out who I am. Over the year and a half that I've lived in NYC, I've learned a lot about myself. In fact, I'm kind of sick of myself ;) 

Although this year 'off' actually sent me spiraling in the opposite direction, I am so thankful for the decision I made. I wouldn't change it for anything.

This brings us back to the past few days. I've spent all this time preparing and was actually extremely excited for the chance to have a real audition. 

I felt great about both of them. Should I win an academy award for the performances? No. Have I made progress since graduating from college... probably not. However, I got back out there and did it. I felt like the underdog, the injured sports player that people weren't expecting back out on the court. I felt wonderful.

I didn't even get a call back. Not one. Which means all 6 months of work really were for nothing, right? (I still have one audition for one school left- but with my track record right now I'm slightly predicting the future.) 

Wrong. I am back in the game now. I still have a lot of things to figure out, a lot of things to improve, and a heck of a lot of things to trudge through before I find success. However, you can believe me when I say.... watch out world- Courtney 2010 is coming!!

"Impossible is nothing. 

Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they've been given than to explore the power they have to change it.

 Impossible is not a fact. It's an opinion.

 Impossible  is not a declaration. It's a dare. 

Impossible is potential. 

Impossible is temporary. 

Impossible is nothing."

Cheers for a New Year!

I'm not quite sure what boggles my brain more; the fact that another year has already passed by, or the idea of what this new year can hold in store.

Last year was difficult, and by no means a year I would be dying to repeat. However, I learned a lot from it and I felt in the end, it served it's purpose. Now the idea of 2010 is really exciting to me. I've never been this excited about a year before. Everyone seems to think that 2010 is their year. As if the 'gods' somehow decided this was the year of fruitful blessings for all. 

Herein lies the problem with New Year's Resolutions. We somehow feel that we are entitled to a sudden desire/urge to become successful as soon as the clock strikes midnight. This is what I have failed to focus on in the past: what am I going to do to make this year better than the last. 

I have the power to make this year great- no one else. I have the control to keep the promises I make to myself- no one else. That's why this year I want to strive to simply do what I say i'm going to do. No excuses, no white lies to get out of things. I'm going to follow through on things I have control over.

I am filled with optimistic anticipation for the future. This year will be grand, because I am going to treat myself the way I deserve to be treated. I will stand up for myself, and not allow others to wrong me. I absolutely LOVE COURTNEY 2010 :)

Happy New Year!

'It's the most wonderful time of the year'

As I sit here waiting for my teeth to finish whitening- I feel the need to write a new blog! I feel that it's been rather hard for me to get into the Christmas spirit this year. Perhaps it's the fact that I have no earthly idea where September, October and November went. Maybe it's my hard financial situation? It may be my general unhappiness that I'm sick of waiting tables... regardless I was feeling a little Bah Humbug about the whole season... until a couple of dear friends reminded me just what this season means.

After going over my finances for the month of November and December it was realized that I wouldn't be able to afford to go home for Christmas. Devastated doesn't even begin to describe how I felt while typing an explanatory email to my family. No sooner had I made the hard decision than visions of spending December 25th rushed through my head. I could just picture myself: Not showered, sitting in the living room with my flannel pj's on, surrounded by half eaten Christmas cookies, a sleeping dog by my side, a Christmas movie on replay, and tissues everywhere from all the crying. This was going to be awful.

My Mom soon reminded me how dramatic I was being and reassured me that it was just a holiday. "I'm sure you can have dinner with the Bishop and his family?" she suggested. Great. I love my bishop, but do I really want to invade their family Christmas dinner consisting of Him, his wife, and his 6 kids all under 14? No. I started crying again. What about stockings, and presents, Mom's home made coffee cake and the reading of Jesus' birth from the book of Luke? What about all the traditions that I so greatly looked forward to each year?! What about seeing everyone open their gifts and laughing with my siblings... this would just be awful.

As the month of November drew to a close people began asking when I would be returning home for the Holidays and in return I filled them in on the depressing situation. They all thought it was awful, but assured me I would be fine (although their assurance often times read as 'thank goodness I am not in this situation'). When my dear friend Christina asked me what my plans for Christmas were- her reply shocked me. She simply said "No. You are going home for Christmas". A giggle escaped my mouth and I reassured her I would be fine. She once again replied with  "Courtney, you are going home for Christmas". 

Ladies and Gentlemen, Christina Kelly bought me a plane ticket home. I cried when she told me, I cried when she booked it, and I cried when she gave me her reasoning behind this extravagant gift. 

I've been talking about a Christmas tree with my roommate Lauren, for months now. I asked her if we could get one. I talked the pit bull vs. tree situation over with her. She has put up with my silly strand of Christmas lights and 4 minuscule candy canes that I call 'decorations' in the living room. If I had my wish, every inch of our apartment would look like the store windows at Macys... however this year, it wasn't an option. I couldn't afford all those decorations as well as a tree. I chalked it up to my bad 2009 luck and swallowed that hard pill. 

After a long and hard shift at work, I returned home to find a small (yet BEAUTIFUL) tree with Christmas lights and a card attached to it. It was an early gift from my dear roommate that sent me jumping up and down and screaming like a 5 year old girl. Lauren bought that tree for us, when it really meant nothing to her... she did it because she knew how much it meant to me.

My point is not to brag, or create a sense of envy. Instead stop for a moment and think of something you've done for someone this Holiday season. It could be as simple as a smile or as expensive as a plane ticket. The point is, Christina and Lauren's simple gifts humbled me. It reminded me that Christmas means the most when you strive to make those around you happy. 

I am so thankful for my friends. I love my family. I am eternally indebted to a Savior who gave His son for me. I hope that everyone has a truly blessed Christmas, and remember... try at least once during this holiday season to look outside yourself and make someone else smile:)

Wise words for your thoughts...

I'm reading Paulo Coelho's 'The Alchemist' again for the second time, and as my dear friend Josh Smith says : "That silly Alchemist is always right!"

For such a simple story this book is utterly profound.  Everyone should read this book! There are a couple of phrases that have really hit home for me that I would like to share with you.

"When each day is the same as the next, it's because people fail to recognize the good things that happen in their lives every day that the sun rises." This sentence struck me to the core. I know i've always felt some version of this, but it wasn't until reading this book that I came to understand my feelings better. What is life composed of? Well, literally it's composed of years, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes and seconds. A day wasted is life wasted. I know that seems a little dramatic- however I firmly believe it to be true. We should never feel 'bored' in our lives; and if we find ourselves 'bored' it's our own faults. Life is filled with too many options to settle for boredom. Our lives are made up of tiny little events or happenings that create who we are today. Next time you find yourself bored, think about the great things that have happened that day. If there aren't any- it's never too late to create some!

"People are capable, at any time in their lives, of doing what they dream of." I cannot preach this saying enough! Living in this century, especially in the United States, I feel the pressure of succeeding. I feel the pressure to disregard things like love, family and relationships to pursue my career. It's actually quite simple to have it all, because I am a firm believer that if you are consistently working towards goals in your life, you will never be disappointed with where it takes you. Dreams change as often as people change. When they do, don't resist them but allow them to change you for the better. 

"Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should live their lives, but none about his or her own." Oh how true this is!! I have an opinion about how everyone is living. I can tell you what I think they are doing right, what they are doing wrong, what mistakes they've made.... and that makes me a hypocritical mess. Life is hard and confusing. We are all human beings who are prone to screwing up. Next time you begin to judge someone for their choices in life, stop. Take a good, long and hard look at what choices you've made in your own life, and choose to love them for all theirs. We are all in this game of life together and we could all use a lot more supporters than judgers.

"It's the simple things in life that are extraordinary; only wise men are able to understand them." This goes along the same lines as my last post. Life is actually terribly simple- we just choose to complicate it. I have a painting on my wall that says "Real power is usually unspectacular: A simple setting aside of fear that allows the free flow of love." Let's strive to be wise and recognize the power that comes from simplicity. 

"It's the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting." Life is full of dreams. If you've achieved one of your dreams then it's time to realize a new one.  Marriage is one of those dreams for many people and if you are lucky enough to have achieved that- congratulations!! Now start daydreaming of a new goal that you and your spouse can benefit from. If you are single, there is no better time to be marking goals off of that long goal list you have. I have a bucket list of 40+ things I want to accomplish in my life: single or married. I am currently working on 2 of those dreams and plan on completing that list before I kick the bucket! Life becomes mundane and boredom sets in when we don't challenge ourselves in new ways. Our divine potential rests on our ability to push ourselves to the next limit. If you don't have a goal list, well then sit down and make one!

The last thing I want to talk about is something a friend said to me last week as I was brooding about past mistakes. He said "Courtney, you need to respect your mistakes and move on." I was touched by his wonderful advice. A missionary from church once told me that God forgets our mistakes when we repent of them, however we don't. We remember them so we don't repeat them. I have a hard time forgiving myself for things I have done in the past, but I've often wondered how one moves past the mistake fully and still remembers the consequences of that action. The answer is to respect them. The definition of respect is: A feeling of appreciative, often deferential regard. Learn to have that deferential regard for your mistakes so they don't hinder your future!

Life is a funny thing. It can kick you when you're down. It can starting raining when it's already pouring. And it certainly can be joyuos beyond measure. Choose to live fully. Choose to love fully. In the end, when you are sitting in your rocking chair on the porch, celebrating your 90th birthday- you'll have so many incredible stories to tell. My goal is the same as my best friend Josh Lattimore: to be the most interesting old person anyone's ever known. The only way to achieve this is to live now.

The times they are a' changin.

Bob Dylan said it best. The times are always a' changing. 

For a woman who has hated change her entire life, I have begun to grow accustomed to it's inevitability. I was quickly reminded of this concept yesterday while helping two of my best friends move into their apartment in Astoria, Queens. 

Josh and Raynor have been dating for awhile and I have been blessed to witness their lives progressively change- for the better. I watched them fall in love, I helped Josh pick out the engagement ring, I saw them deal with the stresses of being engaged and planning a huge wedding themselves, and I was there to witness and humbly participate in their wedding. I was there for the first dance, the reception, and the exit to the honeymoon . Not even 2 weeks later I was helping them set up their first apartment together as husband and wife. 

As I pulled items out of the moving truck I stopped for a moment to take in the significance of what was happening. As a child or a young adult these are moments you dream of: meeting the love of your life, getting married, and starting a life together. When you so closely observe the beauty of this progression, you realize how simple it really is. Isn't it funny that the events that we dream of the most in our lives are usually the smallest and most intimate? 

I felt a little of this when I graduated from college. It was the day i'd been waiting for for 5 years and suddenly after a 45 min. ceremony- it was over. There was no Hollywood orchestrated score behind it, or dramatic scenes with proclamations of love. Instead it was simple. I've always expected that so dramatic of a change deserved a dramatic send off; yet what i've come to realize is, it wasn't the change that I was unable to wrap my head around, it was the simplicity of the moment.

I think this is the point i'm getting at. Life is simple. Change is simple. The reason people grow so hateful of change is because they complicate it with their preconceived notions of their own future. We can actually do ourselves a service if we focus more on living in the moment and enjoying the simplicity of life, than complicating the future for ourselves. 

I have more respect for these life changing events now, than anticipation. I am no where near getting married or starting a life with my future spouse- but I cannot wait to meet him. I cannot wait to be able to experience more of these intimate moments in life. The lesson though, is not to focus on 'how happy I will be when I finally find the love of my life', but how I can find ways to be happy now.

I'm so grateful that God has put people like Josh and Raynor into my life, who show me the significance of simple love, and who allow me to share in their new adventures with them.

I've had so many thoughts rattling through my brain recently, some of which I'd like to share with you.

I'm not as knowledgeable as i'd like to be. One of the things I dislike most about myself is my lack of basic world knowledge. I don't know a lot about politics, or about other countries. I know little about the war we are fighting, the affairs of the world, and the cultures of others. However does that truly make my opinion less valuable? I base most of my decisions in life on feelings. Some find that foolish, but I find that honest. I try not to react irrationally or immediately but to take that initial feeling and then put myself in other people's shoes. I have a tendency to put myself in their situations so fully that I end up feeling a lot of what others feel. In fact, I feel like that may be what this world is missing. If more people stopped and just felt what others do... we would be less likely to ignore each other, hurt each other, or be so quick to judge each other. Knowledge is not the only way to debate and solve problems.

 In the past two weeks I have engaged in a couple political discussions with people; both ending with me feeling defeated and stupid. Why am I looked down upon because I don't know that a certain tactic used by our president is socialist?  I even had someone make a jab at me for being an actress who "obviously took her opinions from the Hollywood elite". Not only is this not true, it's offensive and rude. I am a human being. I am not naive nor am I completely informed, however that does not make my opinion any less valuable. 

Love has been on my mind a lot. Not because I am in love, but actually because I am nowhere close to it. 

It's funny how once you begin thinking about something, conversations in your life cater to that particular subject. I have had so many conversations recently about love- good and bad, lasting and short term etc. and they have all ended in once conclusion: I believe in love.   

It's easy to live your life as a jaded, unemotional, 'down with love'  person. Swearing off love is taking the easy way out. In my opinion, it's a cowardly way of living. To live your life in a way that avoids heartache, means you also live a life void of unadulterated bliss. 

I've been in all kinds of love. I have pined away for men who will never know how much I yearned to just be near them. I have been in a relationship where we both loved, but were never honest about our true feelings.  I have loved someone who didn't love me in return. I have felt the platonic love for friends and family. Even though I have yet to find that 'perfect love'  I still feel:

"it is better to have loved and lost then never loved at all". 

I know it is cliche- but it is true. 

It's been a year now since I felt the worst heartache I've ever felt. I blamed myself for allowing myself to love someone who was inevitable going to hurt me. I cursed the above quote for the ridiculous notion that people wanted to feel this extreme pain. It's only now that I realize, a year after it's ended, that what was so painful was not loving him; the pain came from not having the courage to be honest with how much I loved him. I played his games, I pretended to not have the deep feelings I did, and because of that I have been wracked with torment for the past year of 'what ifs'. If I told him how much I loved him- would he have stayed? Would he have left sooner? Would he have agreed? Would I still be with him? Would it have hurt less later?...

If you can love someone with all your heart, be transformed into a hideous mess of human being when they hurt you, and pull yourself together again... congratulations. You are living.

Love.

Learn.

Love again.

Live.

“To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.”