"Perhaps on the whole, embarrassment and perplexity are a kind of natural accompaniment to life and movement; and it is better to be driven out of your senses with thinking which of the two things you ought to do than to do nothing whatever, and be utterly uninteresting to all the world." -Margaret Oliphant

Today began the search for a job. I went to Kinkos, printed off 21 resumes and began my quest for employment. I ventured from Columbus Circle, down 9th ave (finding my way to restaurant row of course) and came to a close around Times Square. What a day of self discoveries! Here are a few:

1. It takes a lot of guts to job hunt. There is a huge difference between applying to jobs online, and walking from restaurant to store inquiring about openings, only to be constantly rejected. 

2. The occasional interview makes all the previous rejections (including a few of the next ones) all worth it.

3. Shame on my prideful demeanor. I've always felt that I was the type of person who didn't have an issue with pride. I know that God give's me all my blessings/talents and it is to Him that I am eternally grateful. Then why, upon noticing a small 'burger joint,' did it take me 5 minutes of internal debating to enter and inquire about their open positions? I am not above flipping burgers, nor is anyone else in this world. I have a college diploma- so what? I was just working at a fine dining establishment- so what? One of my professors from college, Greg Funaro, used to tell us that we weren't entitled to anything. It's true. Where did this sense of entitlement come from? Shame on me.

4. The embarrassment factor. As I approached the Applebee's located at Broadway and 50th I felt a voice inside me say "go inside and apply!" which was quickly challenged by another voice that said "applebees? What are you, in high school?" I fought off the second voice and stepped inside to apply. Within 30 minutes I was taking an aptitude test, and 30 minutes later I was hired. I loved the environment. It was easy going, good music playing, and just seemed like fun. "What's so wrong with applebees? " I asked myself. I knew I would be embarrassed around all my friends who work in fine dining- New York style restaurants. Why should I be ashamed that I enjoy working at silly chain restaurants instead of stuffy eloquent ones? The answer : I shouldn't.

Don't get too excited. The job offer was only for a hostess position (in which I would make $8 an hour...I can't live off of that) and it doesn't begin for another 2 weeks- meaning I am still on the lookout for a job. I accepted the offer, with the hopes that I will soon find something else. The search presses on tomorrow!


"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times"

I was fired yesterday.

 Never having been fired before, it was indeed shocking to hear those dreaded words: "we can just go ahead and assume this isn't going to work out". I felt as if I was being broken up with by a long term boyfriend!

They didn't have a reason as to why they were letting me go, nor did they care to try and come up with one. They simply informed me that I wouldn't even be allowed to finish out my last 3 shifts of the week. 

They couldn't have chosen a worse time. Having been previously unemployed for 3 weeks at the beginning of July, I had a month of working and was fired 4 weeks later; I have no savings and have barely been able to make September's rent. Basically I am living in the most expensive city in America with $30 to my name. Literally $30.

Amidst the feelings of embarrassement and shock there is also an excitement. People think I am ridiculous for finding poverty exciting. I've never been rich or close to it, however I've never known what it felt like to live below the poverty line until I moved to NYC. While reading the play "A Streetcar Named Desire" (written by my favorite playwright Tennessee Williams) I came across a quote that completely summarizes my feelings for this matter. 

"The sort of life which I had had previous to this popular success was one that required endurance, a life of clawing and scratching along a sheer surface and holding on tight with raw fingers to every inch of rock higher than the one caught hold of before, but it was a good life becasue it was the sort of life for which the human organism is created."

Creativity, art, and greatness comes from trials like this, if you let it. They say that art is the study of life; and if that's true, then my art is going to be great. I will prove Darwin's theory of 'survival of the fittest' by not only surviving but flourishing through this trial.

God is good. He will bless you if you let him. He will not only bless you with good times but also with trials. My cousin Garrett pointed out a beautiful scripture- 1 Peter 1:7

"That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ."

The next few months are going to be hard but fruitfull, I can tell. September will be spent scrounging for a job and being able to pay all of my bills on time. October will still be uncertain while trying to build some kind of a savings cushion back up; and November begins Holiday shopping for loved ones that will wipe out my savings all over again :)

Ah... c'est la vie!