9.17.2009

I've had so many thoughts rattling through my brain recently, some of which I'd like to share with you.

I'm not as knowledgeable as i'd like to be. One of the things I dislike most about myself is my lack of basic world knowledge. I don't know a lot about politics, or about other countries. I know little about the war we are fighting, the affairs of the world, and the cultures of others. However does that truly make my opinion less valuable? I base most of my decisions in life on feelings. Some find that foolish, but I find that honest. I try not to react irrationally or immediately but to take that initial feeling and then put myself in other people's shoes. I have a tendency to put myself in their situations so fully that I end up feeling a lot of what others feel. In fact, I feel like that may be what this world is missing. If more people stopped and just felt what others do... we would be less likely to ignore each other, hurt each other, or be so quick to judge each other. Knowledge is not the only way to debate and solve problems.

 In the past two weeks I have engaged in a couple political discussions with people; both ending with me feeling defeated and stupid. Why am I looked down upon because I don't know that a certain tactic used by our president is socialist?  I even had someone make a jab at me for being an actress who "obviously took her opinions from the Hollywood elite". Not only is this not true, it's offensive and rude. I am a human being. I am not naive nor am I completely informed, however that does not make my opinion any less valuable. 

Love has been on my mind a lot. Not because I am in love, but actually because I am nowhere close to it. 

It's funny how once you begin thinking about something, conversations in your life cater to that particular subject. I have had so many conversations recently about love- good and bad, lasting and short term etc. and they have all ended in once conclusion: I believe in love.   

It's easy to live your life as a jaded, unemotional, 'down with love'  person. Swearing off love is taking the easy way out. In my opinion, it's a cowardly way of living. To live your life in a way that avoids heartache, means you also live a life void of unadulterated bliss. 

I've been in all kinds of love. I have pined away for men who will never know how much I yearned to just be near them. I have been in a relationship where we both loved, but were never honest about our true feelings.  I have loved someone who didn't love me in return. I have felt the platonic love for friends and family. Even though I have yet to find that 'perfect love'  I still feel:

"it is better to have loved and lost then never loved at all". 

I know it is cliche- but it is true. 

It's been a year now since I felt the worst heartache I've ever felt. I blamed myself for allowing myself to love someone who was inevitable going to hurt me. I cursed the above quote for the ridiculous notion that people wanted to feel this extreme pain. It's only now that I realize, a year after it's ended, that what was so painful was not loving him; the pain came from not having the courage to be honest with how much I loved him. I played his games, I pretended to not have the deep feelings I did, and because of that I have been wracked with torment for the past year of 'what ifs'. If I told him how much I loved him- would he have stayed? Would he have left sooner? Would he have agreed? Would I still be with him? Would it have hurt less later?...

If you can love someone with all your heart, be transformed into a hideous mess of human being when they hurt you, and pull yourself together again... congratulations. You are living.

Love.
Learn.
Love again.
Live.

1 comment :

  1. I love your expression through words, and I love YOU!

    ReplyDelete