7.05.2010

Is 1 really the lonliest number?



lonely
1. affected with, characterized by, or causing a depressing feeling of being alone; lonesome
2.destitute of sympathetic or friendly companionship,intercourse, support
3.remote from places of human habitation; desolate;unfrequented; bleak
4.standing apart; isolated

alone
 1.     separate, apart, or isolated from others: I want to be alone.

2.
to the exclusion of all others or all else: One cannot live bybread alone.
3.
unique; unequaled; unexcelled: He is alone among his peersin devotion to duty.
Hmmm....
Lately i've been thinking a lot about loneliness. Perhaps it's because for the first time in my life, I truly feel lonely. I feel alone in every sense of the word, yet ironically I am surrounded by people. 

My Mom seems to feel that it's because i'm ready for a male companion... maybe I am? Eugh- aren't you supposed to know these things?

I think it actually stems from the fact that I can't calm down and choose one path. I can't decide who I want to be. 

I'm too 'Mormon' for more college friends yet I feel like i'm not 'Mormon' enough for my church friends. I'm too fit to be in the lazy-fat kids club, but not in shape enough to be friends with the fit kids. I'm talented enough to hang around with talented people, but not driven enough to push myself to keep up with the successful ones. I'm single, so most of my married friends don't have time for me; and explain this to me: I love acting but hate most actors.

This may sound depressing, and I don't mean it to be. I'm just writing out loud:

Am I lonely because I can't pick a group and stick with it?

Reading through the definitions posted above, I hate what they say. I loathe that they perfectly and accurately describe how i've felt for awhile. I'm sick of being lonely but I can't help but wonder: am I the only one to blame for feelings of neglect and destitution?

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