6.28.2011

Life is dumb

As I sit here staring at the blank screen, wondering what to write; there is a thunderstorm brewing outside.

The trees are being tossed violently to and fro, losing leaves and branches. The lightning is echoed by violent booms of thunder, and the rain is pouring down the windows to create somewhat of a sorrowful effect.

I can't help but smile a little in relation, because the earth is manifesting what I feel.

It's only been 2 1/2 weeks since I was prematurely released from my mission, and the amount of things I feel are incredible.

At most, I am confused as to why. Oh how the 'why's' are eating me alive. There are also the rushed feelings of embarrassment, feelings of failure, and it's all peppered with a little bit of anger.

One moment i'm excited for the future, the next i'm longing to be anywhere but here. I'm sad, confused, content, depressed, peaceful, immature, understanding, selfish, humble, motivated, and bedridden. And this is all before 9am.

So many people have reached out to me with letters of encouragement, calls of support and love. And yet, there have been a lot who haven't cared at all. I've never felt so loved and so lonely all at the same time.

In a confusing time of utter disbelief, I have been counseled to focus on the future. What future? Screw the future. I'm mad at the future.

I'm sick of people's opinions, and thirsty for them all at the same time.

I guess the purpose of this post is to put it all out there. To document this part of my life, and if anyone is out there feeling the same way- to offer the comfort that I know this is just a phase. That a period of grieving is as confusing as they come, but we'll get through it.