6.28.2011

Life is dumb

As I sit here staring at the blank screen, wondering what to write; there is a thunderstorm brewing outside.

The trees are being tossed violently to and fro, losing leaves and branches. The lightning is echoed by violent booms of thunder, and the rain is pouring down the windows to create somewhat of a sorrowful effect.

I can't help but smile a little in relation, because the earth is manifesting what I feel.

It's only been 2 1/2 weeks since I was prematurely released from my mission, and the amount of things I feel are incredible.

At most, I am confused as to why. Oh how the 'why's' are eating me alive. There are also the rushed feelings of embarrassment, feelings of failure, and it's all peppered with a little bit of anger.

One moment i'm excited for the future, the next i'm longing to be anywhere but here. I'm sad, confused, content, depressed, peaceful, immature, understanding, selfish, humble, motivated, and bedridden. And this is all before 9am.

So many people have reached out to me with letters of encouragement, calls of support and love. And yet, there have been a lot who haven't cared at all. I've never felt so loved and so lonely all at the same time.

In a confusing time of utter disbelief, I have been counseled to focus on the future. What future? Screw the future. I'm mad at the future.

I'm sick of people's opinions, and thirsty for them all at the same time.

I guess the purpose of this post is to put it all out there. To document this part of my life, and if anyone is out there feeling the same way- to offer the comfort that I know this is just a phase. That a period of grieving is as confusing as they come, but we'll get through it.



5 comments :

  1. I actually was going to write you another email tonight, when I just read this post. I have thought about you almost every day since you've been home, but I didn't want to overwhelm you as I'm sure you have lots of friends and family asking how you are. You know if you ever want to talk or come spend some time here you are more than welcome! Since you and David had such similar experiences, I'm sure he wouldn't mind talking to ya as well... I just don't know if that would be weird for ya. Anyways, I love ya Court and just wanted to let you know that I have been thinking and praying for ya. My numbers the same, but if you've lost it, just message me.

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  2. i have been checking your blog regularly over the past two weeks. i assumed that you would be ready to talk once you started writing to the world. i apologize that i did not contact you sooner, as i have very much wanted to talk with you. call me anytime.

    you are an amazing person and you are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  3. Courtney, I didn't know that you came home. My heart goes out to you!!! Obviously, I have no idea how hard it is to come home early... but I can't help but think of the heartbreak I had when I never got a confirmation to serve a mission and all my friends were leaving on one.

    I never feel like I have the right thing to say to friends who are going through a tough time, so usually I just show up on my friend's doorstep with ice cream, and grey's anatomy (or whatever your favorite show is!) Anyhow, I hope you get enough time to curl up and enjoy the rain and just feel what you are feeling.

    And although I'm rarely in the mood to hear the positives when I'm going through my rough patches... they'll show up. You may not know why things have turned out how they have, but you will eventually. And in the meantime, you'll have all summer to get tan and even more gorgeous and figure out the next step.

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  4. ok, little lady I feel for you, I am not going through your particular trial but I have spent 3 days on my hands and knees crawling around the house trying to care for my 5 month old baby because I have no use of my feet. Life does not give us the trials we want, and the adversity that you are experiencing is the same adversity that those seeking to find the gospel and be baptized experience. NONE of us, I repeat none of us are exempt. It doesn't mean its easy, but life is not dumb and you know it. You can be mad, but it will only waste your precious energy and time you could spend being happy and helping someone else worse off than you. Sorry to be so blunt, but I hate feeling sorry for myself because it doesn't get me to a better place. God loves you, the atonement has made up for the part you lack. People need your service wherever you are, whether its on a mission or home. welcome to the first day of the rest of your life, this is your mission and it doesn't end in 18 months.

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  5. Courtney, this is one of your trials. You choose how you're going to come out of it. You may be looking at a dozen options of what to do next, or maybe you can't see any? I spent almost 2 months of my life practically bedridden, trying to keep myself hidden away from the world so that no one would know that I was home. I felt SO ashamed. That ended when I chose to step above it. I learned that my Heavenly Father loves me so much more than I realized and that he wanted to not only see me make it through my trial of faith, but to come out stronger than ever. I was finally able to see that it didn't matter what those around me thought, but what my Heavenly Father thought. I had to remind myself of it often for a long time. Keep your head up high, be honest, put on a smile until it feels natural (not to hide your pain, but to make someone else's day... and eventually you'll be smiling because you actually want to smile), get on your knees a lot, serve those around you in every way you can find, go to church activities and stop hiding. Eventually you will figure things out. Don't rush your plans just because you want to have them right now. Rely on the Lord in helping you decide what they should be. It may take months to really figure it out. You're plans may change. I have had SO many plans for my life, and yet my life has never gone according to my plans. Sometimes Heavenly Father wants us to plan for something because he knows that it will better us. When you prepared for your mission, your testimony was strengthened tremendously. So much good already came from you preparing and leaving for your mission. Use that wonderful, strong testimony that you gained. Put it to use. Enjoy the time that you have with your family. Surprisingly, some of my fondest memories come from the time that I spent living at home when I returned from Utah. I grew closer to my family during that time and we all became closer to one another... just a bit closer to an eternal family. Find the good that you can in your life, express gratitude for it. You will be amazed at how it will change your perspective on your situation.

    I love you.

    If you're ever down, come spend the day with me and my cute babe. She'll cheer you up :)

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