12.29.2011

Do you believe in Heaven?

I was reading the news online and came across the story of this sweet young man who after a lifetime of heart problems, finally passed away on Christmas. He had made a video that recently went viral and it touched me so deeply.



What a beautiful reminder that life is a gift, that we should make the most out of this life, and we shouldn't fear what is to come after this.




12.27.2011

Ponderments...

The week between Christmas and New Years always seems to bring a week long reflection of not only the past year, but also of my life as a whole.

Have I made positive steps forward in any areas? Did I accomplish my New Years Resolutions?

Almost always the answer is no; and this years 'week of pondering' has brought me to seek a conclusion to the inevitable "no" that lurks in the shadows year after year.

All of this soul searching has really paid off and I'm pleased to announce that I have found the culprit...

Fear.

Intrigued by this thought, I decided to look up the actual definition of fear, which reads: "an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, , likely to cause pain, or a threat."

The definition registered deep within my heart as something I was well acquainted with. The universe conspired to help me develop this idea further when I accidentally stumbled upon a quote from J. K. Rowling. She says, "It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all, in which case you have failed by default."

Now I understand that this quote says nothing about fear directly, however the essence of it reeks with pure understanding of what fear can cause.

My whole life I have been fearful of the most ridiculous things. I'm not referring to my previous post on irrational fears (those are all completely logical in my book) however, I am more so thinking about hundreds of little things that have caused me to miss out on great opportunities. I mess up something one time, and suddenly I'm afraid to try it again. Cooking, tap dancing, losing weight, writing music, auditioning, new years resolutions, love, socializing, church... I could go on and on!

When I really begin to ponder upon the things I have missed because of these little fears, it makes me extremely angry. I have been living my life on 'default mode' long enough!

3 1/2 years ago I was crushed from the inside out by several circumstances that left me in more pieces than I could even fathom. Ever since then, I have played my life as cautiously as possible, and spiraling into deeper and deeper sadness. I have been so terrified that I will repeat the same mistakes, I've steered clear of needing to make decisions at all! Life is meant to be lived, and that is a terrifying thing. However, isn't a life of scary accomplishments worth more than a life of safe mediocre achievements?

I vote yes.

"If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment."
Marcus Aurelius

Ironically enough, the idea that fear and faith cannot exist simultaneously was introduced to me through a devotional at church. I guess it really is that easy huh? If you feel fear, choose faith.