6.23.2012

Let's talk about Zombies...

Everyone knows about my irrational fear of vampires, but it's becoming increasingly aware to me that I've developed a healthy new fear of zombies.

"How can a fear of zombies be healthy?" you may ask yourself. Now before you jump to such judgemental feelings, let me first defend myself.

I knew there was a zombie craze happening, due to the show The Walking Dead (and other appropriately named zombie movies). I didn't avoid the 'undead' entertainment, I just never found myself drawn to them. Friends would rant and rave about the series, but I always declined to get involved.

You see, when it comes to Vampires, I can't even see a picture of one without feeling uneasy. My mind literally believes (against all logic) that there are vampires hiding in every dark crevice between the bathroom and my room. It's just built into my brain to think so. However, I don't sleep with garlic hanging above my bed, or a crucifix wrapped around my neck; because realistically I know there are no such things as vampires.

Imagine my shock when a few weeks ago, the report of a zombie-like man came flooding into the newsrooms. Rudy Eugene ate the face and ears and eyes off of a homeless man and was shot several times before eventually being killed. Suddenly people's imaginations went crazy. He's a zombie! They cried. The Zombie Apocalypse is coming! Other's shouted.

Although the whole thing made me terribly uneasy, and a little queasy, I tried not to think much of it.

Then came the New Jersey man who stabbed himself several times, and then began throwing his intestines at police men, or the cannibalistic Canadian man, Luka Rocco Magnotta, who killed and ate parts of his lover. After that was Alexander Kinyua who admitted to killing his roommate and eating parts of his brain and heart....

All these incidents were enough for the Center for Disease Control to issue this statement to the Huffington Post: "CDC does not know of a virus or condition that would reanimate the dead (or one that would present zombie-like symptoms)".

Huh.




Suddenly my mind began to reel. Being a Mormon, we are constantly reminded to be prepared. We are encouraged to keep a 72 hour kit full of food and clothing and matches etc, in case of an emergency. We're also told to have a year supply of food readily available in case of natural disasters. All this is fine and dandy, but what about my zombie preparedness?

My mind began to spin out of control....

What would happen if a zombie-like person tried to attack me? I certainly couldn't out run them, I'm too over weight and out of shape. 

What if I was given a gun to protect myself? I wouldn't know how to use that thing? I've only shot a gun once in my life, and by the time I figured it out, I'd be half eaten!

What if I was forced out of my home and made to survive in the wilderness like Katniss Everdeen? I'd DIE! I would be the girl to eat the poisonous berries, oh my gosh. I'm doomed. I might as well give up now! I'LL NEVER SURVIVE THIS ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE!!!!!

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my brain. 



Of course I calmed myself down and reminded myself that I am an extremely religious person, and I do not believe the end of the world will come by way of Zombie Apocalypse. However, that still didn't put my mind enough at ease. 

Listen, I don't freak out in the dark and think that there is a zombie on my heels (like I do with Vampires) but I am growing more and more uneasy at how unprepared I am in every aspect of my life. I've got to get in shape, I've got to learn how to defend myself, and I most certainly need to know which berries are poisonous and which are not.

You're probably thinking to yourself "this girl has cracked up. She's lost her mind. She's one straw away from building a nuclear bomb shelter in her back yard, and living in seclusion down there for the next 50 years of her life".  

And to those of you who have thought this, I would like you to know that I live in NYC and don't have a backyard..... 

In all seriousness, I don't intend to go down without a fight. Whether that be a zombie apocalypse, a mugging on the streets of New York, or a Black Friday sale at Macy's.

2 comments :

  1. I have a friend who is deathly afraid of zombies. She almost always carries a bat with her, just in case. It's kind of funny to me, but then again, I have an extreme and irrational fear of spiders... so although my fear is of something that we know exists, I totally understand irrational fears in any form.

    And if it's like The Walking Dead, zombies are slow... you'll be just fine. Just be sure to trip the fat dude as you run away to distract them ;)

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  2. Hahahaha Court! I love ya girl! You are too funny!

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