Aurora, CO

As the news of the Colorado shooting broke, I was standing in a long line, in the middle of NYC, awaiting a film I had previously gotten tickets for months in advance. 

I couldn't wrap my head around what we were hearing, and as I waited for the movie to start I began reading the articles online. 12 dead. 58 injured. I had a sick feeling in my stomach that couldn't be shaken, even by the lights going down and the 'Christopher Nolan signature music' beginning to play.

It wasn't long before we were 20 minutes into the movie and I just kept thinking to myself: this is what was playing on the screen while people were dying. This was the background to terror.

Events like this always shake me to my core, however this one rattled my bones. I have been trying to examine why I was so effected by this awful awful massacre, after all I wasn't involved in it in any way. I would like to share some of my thoughts on the massacre in general. 

1. As an aspiring Actress, the movies are a big part of my life. On average I see at least 1 movie a week... that's a lot of movies people! There is no feeling I love more than a dark movie theatre, and have come to love it even more by myself. It's a way for me to escape the world and focus on something else for a while. That's why Christopher Nolan's statement perfectly summarized this set of feelings for me : "I would not presume to know anything about the victims of the shooting but that they were there last night to watch a movie. I believe movies are one of the great American art forms and the shared experience of watching a story unfold on screen is an important and joyful pastime. The movie theater is my home, and the idea that someone would violate that innocent and hopeful place in such an unbearably savage way is devastating to me. "

2. My sister recently went to the Genocide memorial in Rwanda. She sent us a very touching email about her experiences touring such a sacred place. There was one paragraph that struck me: "So they have this room where people donated pictures of all the victims killed in the Genocide.  I sat down looking at these walls when I spotted a note.  It was written by a girl named Hellen to her Uncle and his family who were killed.  It started off with her saying how much she missed them and then she wrote: 

'But today, I work really hard so that I can accomplish very many things.  I did not know your dreams and passion but in those very many things I do am sure there is one that was your dream.' "

I guess this is what I am having such a hard time with. This idea that the way we honor the dead, is by living even more.It almost feels like an odd trick doesn't it? Of course there is a time to mourn, but then we must live again. We must go through life with a new fervour and appreciation for the opportunity we have to simply live

I walked home in the rain the other night, and as each raindrop hit my face I thought I am so lucky that I still get to feel this.

3. My sister found this article written about the shooting and it's beautiful. It summarizes everything we should be focusing on, feeling, and understanding about what happened. 

How do we fight back? We don't. We love back.

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