Hard Questions...

"I've been feeling really mortal lately" - Frank Ocean

There's nothing that can cause you to question your own mortality quite like death. Really, it can be the loss of a person, a dream, or even the ending to a period of life. There's something about losing that makes you examine what you ever gained.

Along with all these thoughts comes a quick panic sponsored by the idea of time. Time and Loss have always seemed to go hand in hand for me, especially when I feel as though I'm not working hard enough to make the most out of the gift of the time i've been given.

One of my best friend's mothers passed away recently from a long battle with breast cancer. My friend lost his Mother at the young age of 23... so heart breakingly unfair.
Along with this, my Dad casually texted me that in 15 years he would be 70. The text, although meant to be an odd realization shared, sent my heart into my stomach. I suddenly began thinking of all the time i've wasted.

I seem to have woken up today, as if from a deep slumber, only to realize that death is becoming more prevalent in my day to day dealings. Although I believe that there is life after this, that we have the opportunity to be reunited with our loved ones after passing through the veil- it still leaves me to wonder:

"am I wasting this one life? am I appreciating all the pain, beauty, excitement and devastation that this world has to offer? will I be satisfied, looking back on this mortal experience i've created for myself?"

"The boundaries which divide Life from Death are at best shadowy and vague. Who shall say where the one ends, and where the other begins?"
I read this beautiful Edgar Allen Poe quote the other day and it caused me to think even further: perhaps i've already conceded that I will be a failure, and accepted a life of living as if I were dead? How sad a life void of living could be, and yet- I'm guilty of that very idea. After all, isn't the idea of numbing our pain, doing just that?  

I don't know that I have any real answers. As I sit here in the dark room contemplating my own mortal existence, I am at a loss...

Is living harder, better, and with more intent the key? Do those who say 'seize the day!' or 'eat drink and be merry for tomorrow we die' have it correct? Or rather, perhaps it's living in a way that will be devoid of regrets? Is it having the courage to dream? I guess what i'm really asking is...
What makes us living

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