CourtneyMarie

An Ode to My New Sweetheart....

2012-01-27T18:37:00.000-08:00

New York City...

"You have bewitched me body and soul"

Upon returning to the city, I found that my love for it

has grown immensely (apparently some of my neighbors feel the same).

In my case, absence DID make the heart

grow fonder :)

I have decided that this 'go round' of living in NYC, I am making the city my lover. NYC has my undivided devotion, and I am going to do nothing but appreciate the lovely things about him...I mean, think about it!

He makes me happy and surprises me with some of my favorite things... like SNOW!

He has a fantastic sense of humor! (Literally a poster on the subway)

He's beautiful...

He's extremely talented...

And he's religious...

Who could ask for anything more? :)

I'll leave you with the wise words of Daddy Warbucks, Annie and Grace from the Musical 'Annie'... they totally get it ;)

"NYC, What is it about you
You're big, You're loud,You're tough.

NYC, I go years without you
Then I Can't get Enough.
Enough of the cab drivers answering back
In the language far from pure.
Enough of frankfurters answering back
Brother, you know you're in NYC
Too busy, Too crazy, Too hot
Too cold, Too late I'm sold
Again On NYC.

What other town has the Empire State
No other town in The whole forty eight
Can half compare To you

Oh NYC
You make 'em all postcards
You crowd You cramp
You're still The champ
Amen For NYC
The shimmer of Times Square
The pulse The beat
The drive!Oh, NYC
The whole world keeps coming
By bus By train
You can't Explain
Their yearn
For NYC
Just got here this morning
Three bucks Two bags
One me
NYC
I give you fair warning
Up there In lights I'll be
Go ask the Gershwins or Kaufman and Hart
The place they love the best
Though California pays big for their art
Their fan mail comes addressed to NYC
Tomorrow a penthouse
That's way up high
Tonight The "Y"
Why not It's NYC "

Do you believe in Heaven?

2011-12-29T12:31:00.000-08:00

I was reading the news online and came across the story of this sweet young man who after a lifetime of heart problems, finally passed away on Christmas. He had made a video that recently went viral and it touched me so deeply.

Here it is

What a beautiful reminder that life is a gift, that we should make the most out of this life, and we shouldn't fear what is to come after this.

Ponderments...

2011-12-27T20:17:00.000-08:00

The week between Christmas and New Years always seems to bring a week long reflection of not only the past year, but also of my life as a whole.

Have I made positive steps forward in any areas? Did I accomplish my New Years Resolutions?

Almost always the answer is no; and this years 'week of pondering' has brought me to seek a conclusion to the inevitable "no" that lurks in the shadows year after year.

All of this soul searching has really paid off and I'm pleased to announce that I have found the culprit...

Fear.

Intrigued by this thought, I decided to look up the actual definition of fear, which reads: "an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, , likely to cause pain, or a threat."

The definition registered deep within my heart as something I was well acquainted with. The universe conspired to help me develop this idea further when I accidentally stumbled upon a quote from J. K. Rowling. She says, "It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all, in which case you have failed by default."

Now I understand that this quote says nothing about fear directly, however the essence of it reeks with pure understanding of what fear can cause.

My whole life I have been fearful of the most ridiculous things. I'm not referring to my previous post on irrational fears (those are all completely logical in my book) however, I am more so thinking about hundreds of little things that have caused me to miss out on great opportunities. I mess up something one time, and suddenly I'm afraid to try it again. Cooking, tap dancing, losing weight, writing music, auditioning, new years resolutions, love, socializing, church... I could go on and on!

When I really begin to ponder upon the things I have missed because of these little fears, it makes me extremely angry. I have been living my life on 'default mode' long enough!

3 1/2 years ago I was crushed from the inside out by several circumstances that left me in more pieces than I could even fathom. Ever since then, I have played my life as cautiously as possible, and spiraling into deeper and deeper sadness. I have been so terrified that I will repeat the same mistakes, I've steered clear of needing to make decisions at all! Life is meant to be lived, and that is a terrifying thing. However, isn't a life of scary accomplishments worth more than a life of safe mediocre achievements?

I vote yes.

"If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment."

Marcus Aurelius

Ironically enough, the idea that fear and faith cannot exist simultaneously was introduced to me through a devotional at church. I guess it really is that easy huh? If you feel fear, choose faith.

Dear 2011...

2011-11-18T12:15:00.000-08:00

Thinking back on this last year automatically makes my head shake back and forth in disbelief, accompanied by a slight chuckle.

What started out as such a promising year, a year that I was going to devote to serving God and other people; has turned into a year of finding a relationship with God and serving myself.

As many of you know, this year has presented trail after trial, most of them literally bringing me to my knees. However, through the grace of God, this holiday season is proving to be one of learning, understanding, and most of all acceptance.

In my morning scripture study, I'm reading in Mosiah out of the Book of Mormon. The 24th chapter of this book particularly struck me. It's the story of the people of Alma. They are righteous and following all of God's commandments, when they are overtaken by a horrible man named Amulon and his armies.

"10 And it came to pass that so great were their afflictions that they began to cry mightily to God.

11 And Amulon commanded them that they should stop their cries; and he ^aput guards over them to watch them, that whosoever should be found calling upon God should be put to death.

12 And Alma and his people did not raise their voices to the Lord their God, but did pour out their ^ahearts to him; and he did know the ^bthoughts of their hearts."

When I read this passage I felt overcome by so many different emotions.

First of all: how often, in times of trial, do we blame God and turn away from him? These people were righteous, put under horrible trials of no consequence to their actions, and still they leaned on Him.

Second, I felt a twinge of guilt. My trials are nowhere near as bad as these people, and yet I have complained, murmured, and even forsaken my God. Where has my faith gone? Why have I become so entitled that I feel as if I don't deserve trials?

The next lesson came from the following passage:

" 13 And it ^acame to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage. 14 And I will also ease the ^aburdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as^bwitnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their ^cafflictions."

How often do I treat my relationship with God as that of a Genie granting wishes? I've somehow gotten it into my mind that having the faith to ask God for something, will automatically grant me my desires. God eventually delivered the people of Alma from their slavery, but it wasn't until they showed Him their faith during their trials. This year, at the first sign of a trial, I turned my back on God and engaged in the " why me?" game. The results of these actions have simply brought more challenges.

Yes, 2011 has been one of the worst years of my life, but it's also been quite amazing as well. I've been humbled in a way i've never comprehended before. I've truly begun to understand what Oprah meant, when she said:

"Be careful what you pray for. If you want to be more courageous, God isn't going to zap you with courage. He's gonna provide you with a hard experience to build up your courage."

I didn't nessecarily pray to be more humble, but I am now able to say I am grateful for the opportunities (trials) that have helped me clear a foggy mind. Over the past few weeks I have begun to delight in the Lord, no matter my circumstances, and therefore have been able to see His hand in every aspect of my life.

Irrational Fears

2011-09-16T10:12:00.000-07:00

Some of you may know that I have a few things that I am completely terrified of. Upon telling most people all my irrational fears, they tell me how ridiculous I am, to which I respond with:

"Isn't that the point of irrational fears? They are, by definition, not rational?"

Here are the top three, listed from most to least severe.

1. Vampires

Seriously, even typing the word gives me the heebie jeebies. I'm sorry there is no picture with this one, but the image search for 'vampires' made my heart rate increase.

Up until my senior year of high school, I slept with the covers wrapped around my neck. I'm not kidding. It could have been 105 Degrees in my bedroom and I still would have had something covering prime biting area.

The most common response to this fear is:

"But Courtney, vampires aren't real."

Listen people, I understand this, I'm not a total idiot.

Last night I had my interest peaked through an interview I read about Brad Pitt, and thought I'd check out the preview for 'Interview With A Vampire'- biggest mistake of the week. I was so terrified after that preview I had to sleep with my hoodie pulled up over my head and tightly tied, so that no Vampire could have access to my neck.

2. Sharks

Many people fear the creatures of the deep, but I am terrified of sharks in the sea, in a lake, in a river, even in the bathtub. Ok, not actually in the bathtub, but every other water where I can't see my toes is game.

I have this theory at the beach that if I can be the person closest to the sand, with a ring of people further out then me, the shark is bound to attack them first giving me time to run into shore. Selfish, I know.

3. Logging trucks

I can thank the Final Destination movies for this fear. It never occurred to me that a log could loose itself and plummet through my windshield and into my skull, before that movie was released. If there is a logging truck, I will be the furthest lane away from it, and pass it as quickly as possible.

What are some of your irrational fears? I ask mainly so you'll respond and i'll feel less ridiculous ;)

9/11

2011-09-10T16:52:00.000-07:00

It seems as though coverage of the 10th Anniversary, of the 9/11 Terrorist Attacks started over a month ago.

Every week there has been a new story, picture or article that touched me to my core.

That day, so many years ago started out like every other and ended with fear in the hearts of so many, myself included. I was a Junior in High School, and by second period, the TV's were on; watching live coverage of the terror striking New York, Washington D.C., and Pennsylvania. They canceled all after school activities (including play practice) and I remember being livid that they did so. I wanted a distraction from the terrible sights on the news. I wanted 2 hours where I didn't have to focus on what was really happening.

My story is so simple. In fact, it's like the majority of the world. Our Grandparents remember where they were when Pearl Harbour was bombed, and we so vividly remember where we were when we heard the Trade Center's had been the target of a terrorist attack.

What drew me closer to this day, was moving to NYC and living in Manhattan for 3 fall seasons. Every 9/11 I would take the train downtown to pay my respects to those who lost their lives on that sorrowful day.

The displays of love, the stories told, the pictures left, the relatives mourning, the light beams representing the 2 towers; all brought me to tears every year.

It was hard for me to fully comprehend the loss until I was there, on the day, realizing I was standing on the grave of thousands.

Last year, I had the opportunity to go pay my respects with my dear friend Bianca, who was only blocks away from the towers that fateful day. Walking around Ground Zero with her brought the whole horrific event into even more of a reality. Here stood one of my dearest friends, praying at the site that she feared for her life 9 years ago. I'm so thankful that she is here to be my friend.

Thinking about those who lost their lives makes all of our differences so minute doesn't it? Well it should.

Whether you have your conspiracy theories, or don't. Whether you are for the War in Iraq or against it. Whether you are Republican or Democrat: I hope that as you are going about your day tomorrow, take a moment to yourself, and offer a prayer for those who were directly effected by this tragedy. No matter what you believe, there is one thing that cannot be denied. 2,996 people lost their lives that day.

(Collection of gifts left at Ground Zero in the NYC WTC Museum)

“Time is passing. Yet, for the United States of America, there will be no forgetting September the 11th. We will remember every rescuer who died in honor. We will remember every family that lives in grief. We will remember the fire and ash, the last phone calls, the funerals of the children. “
- President George W. Bush, November 11, 2001

(Cross made from remnants of the World Trade Centers)

Who Let the Dogs Out?

2011-09-09T17:53:00.001-07:00

Living with the Ramseys is like a dream come true. They are loving, supportive, upbeat, and care so deeply for my well being.

Their beautiful house has been in my life longer than any home i've ever had; meaning since I was 5 years old, they've lived at 13629 171st Pl.

I'm an animal lover, as many of you know, so I was thrilled that the Ramseys have the same love. They currently own 3 adorable weenie dogs named Tanta, Woody and Phillip (hahah I know~ who names a dog Phillip?)

This week, they also agreed to dogsit for 2 more dogs. Needless to say, i'm running with a pack of tiny yippy dogs :) This usually would pose a problem, seeing as how I prefer big dogs. ALWAYS. However, they all have their own little unique personalities that constantly keep me giggling.

Let me introduce you:

This is 'old man' Woody. He has a severe over-bite, so he constantly looks like he's a little confused. I was there almost 10 years ago when they picked him up from the Breeder, and am now a part of this Grandpa Dog's daily routine.

This is Leelo...

or 'little weirdo' is what I prefer to call her. I mean look at what I wake up to each morning?

This is Tanta Luigi. She is a princess in every meaning of the word!

This is Gus. He barks at EVERY SINGLE NOISE HE HEARS. Literally.

And Ladies and Gentlemen: Phillip. He is a rescue dog, so he came with the name. He's got me wrapped around his little paw. I love this dog!

Run Forest, Run

2011-09-02T10:23:00.000-07:00

Last night I was able to have a wonderful phone conversation with my Mom. We were talking about random things, catching up on each other's lives, when this conversation emerged:

"I had a thought yesterday"

"Oh yea? What was that Mom?"

"You should walk home."

"Excuse me?"

"You know, I was thinking, if you started walking from Seattle to NC, you could lose weight. And you could write a book called 'walking girl' and you could become famous."

"Are you being serious right now? I mean where would I stay? I don't have any money..."

"Oh you could walk to Salt Lake and stay with Grandma, and then.... walk to NC. ~silence~ I mean, Forest Gump did it."

Ladies and Gentlemen, my Mom :)

Dejavu

2011-08-31T16:06:00.000-07:00

As you could tell from my last blog post, things started off quite awful here in my new transition. After the first 48 hours I was left thinking "why did I ever find this to be a good idea!?"

The good news, however, is that as I continue to settle into life as a west coaster, things continue to get better!

I am now living with our dear family friends, the Ramseys. They reside in the city of Renton (which is about 30 minutes from Seattle) which also happens to be the place I grew up!

This post will only truly resonate with those of you who have moved away from the place that you were raised...

You see, although I spent the first 12 years of my life in Renton, WA; I haven't lived here in over 14 years! As I start making a life for myself here, I can't help but feel that everything is in a weird sort of dejavu. I constantly feel as though I recognize buildings, streets, even stores; but I can't really recall the memories that house them.

On Saturday I had the opportunity to walk right by my old house, through my old neighborhood, and into the Renton Fairwoods Library. It was as if I was in a dream! This was the library my mother used to take us to when I was 5 years old~ and there was something so oddly familiar about it.

I stood at the check out desk chatting with the clerk and I couldn't help but chuckle as I walked out the doors of the library.

Life is so weird sometimes!

Life is just a bowl of cherries

2011-08-24T08:46:00.000-07:00

As I walked into the RDU airport, I took in a big deep breath.

"The last 2 times I was here, were not times I wanted to revisit this soon," I thought to myself as I continued to the counter.

Within a matter of minutes, the bags were checked, the ticket was issued, and the security line was passed through.

In the RDU airport there is a little area in between the security check point and the escalator that takes you to all the gates; this area is perfect for waving the final good-bye's to people who may have been visiting, or others you may be leaving.

Tears came to my eyes as I remember the last time I was in this very spot.

I was leaving on my mission. I had already hugged my Mom goodbye, begrudgingly taken a few pictures, and made it through security. As I turned the corner, I was surprised to find my Mom waving at me and snapping more pictures. I had to laugh; partially out of embarrassment, and also out of love. I never knew how proud my Mom was of me until I saw it in her eyes in that moment. I glanced at the security guards, who were finding the scene quite amusing. As I stepped onto the escalator, I simply said "I'm not going to be back for a long time," smiled, and turned around.

I pushed back the thought and moved on; because this time, there was no one there waving.

The flights were hard. I couldn't get comfortable, I couldn't sleep, and everything about me was uneasy. I usually love flying, airports and everything about traveling, but today was different and I couldn't quite pin point why. It didn't help that the seats were uncomfortable, the food tasted bad, and the man sitting next to me had the worst breath I've ever had the unfortunate joy of experiencing.

As the plane began it's final descent into Seattle I wasn't greeted by the skyline I've always loved, but rather by grey clouds filled with droplets of rain.

"I love it when the weather matches my mood," I thought as I leaned back in my seat and prepared for landing.

Upon arriving, I found that the Airtran had mis-marked one of my suitcases and sent it to St. Louis. Might I add- I just bought this luggage set for $300. I was not a happy camper.

Also, I spent the first night hovering over the toilet until 5 am with food poisoning.

I decided to come to Seattle in the hopes that I would get healthy, get happy and find myself. The past 48 hours have been a real reminder that this will not be an easy journey.

I hold on to the fact that I have a Savior who loves me. At this point in my life, this is all that keeps me going. Knowing that there is a plan for my life, and the creator of the universe- of my soul- is steering the ship.

Newest favorite

2011-07-20T15:19:00.001-07:00

My newest music addiction is Mumford and Sons. The song 'After the Storm' is on repeat ashamedly much.

Here is the song for your listening pleasure, and the lyrics are listed below for your brain's pleasure.

And after the storm,
I run and run as the rains come
And I look up, I look up,
on my knees and out of luck,
I look up.

Night has always pushed up day
You must know life to see decay
But I won't rot, I won't rot
Not this mind and not this heart,
I won't rot.

And I took you by the hand
And we stood tall,
And remembered our own land,
What we lived for.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

And now I cling to what I knew
I saw exactly what was true
But oh no more.
That's why I hold,
That's why I hold with all I have.
That's why I hold.

I will die alone and be left there.
Well I guess I'll just go home,
Oh God knows where.
Because death is just so full and mine so small.
Well I'm scared of what's behind and what's before.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

Change brings opportunity...hopefully

2011-07-19T10:42:00.000-07:00

When evaluating my mere 26 years on this earth, I simply see more failures than successes. That's not a negative way of reacting to my life (even though you may think it's a harsh conclusion) it's just honest.

Some say I expect too much from myself. Others say I need to focus on celebrating my accomplishments instead of reliving my failures. And then there are those who are just like me- not happy with their past but unsure of how to move forward in the future.

For the past 10 years i've had an 'idea' of this woman I want to be. She's not 100% different from who i've always been, but she's pretty close to 75%. I've spent so long yearning for this difference that i've got everything mapped out. I know how long certain goals will take, and how much others will cost.

So i've got this picture of who I want to be, and I know how to achieve it... what's holding me up?

Well, there's always the issue of money and time. It costs money to achieve a lot of the goals I have, and so much time to work the others. However, lately I've been thinking the biggest problem may be the support I have had in Cary, Greenville, and NYC.

I have been so grateful to have a number of people that love and support me, but here's my question: Is that support helping or hindering?

There is a difference between "You're wonderful the way you are" and "how are your goals going and what can I do to help you achieve them?"

I believe this is an aspect of friendships and relationships that we tend to neglect. A true friendship moves forward and allows both of you to work towards, and achieve goals. How often are we moving forward, and not progressing.

Just as Ellen Glasglow said: "All change is not growth, as all movement is not forward."

I've decided to move to Seattle and live with a dear friend until the end of the year. It's a chance for me to renew my goals, work on myself, be a little selfish, and hopefully finally reach the goals i've had for over 10 years.

The End has arrived...

2011-07-15T13:26:00.000-07:00

"We work in your offices. We're on the road with you in the morning. Odds are, you know one of us. And [this weekend] we'll be standing outside movie theatres, dressed like cult members. We're Harry Potter Fans. Friday is a special day for us... It's The End." -Chris Heller

Harry Potter bed sheets...

check.

Harry Potter Silly Bandz...

check.

Harry Potter refreshments...

check.

Black nail polish to celebrate the final demise of Lord Voldemort...

check.

Reading up on current Harry Potter topics:

Check.

~It may not be alot, but I show my Potter Pride in simple ways~

Let the magical weekend

begin...

Enough said....

2011-07-07T19:12:00.000-07:00

1 week...

HPDHP2

Life is dumb

2011-06-28T13:58:00.000-07:00

As I sit here staring at the blank screen, wondering what to write; there is a thunderstorm brewing outside.

The trees are being tossed violently to and fro, losing leaves and branches. The lightning is echoed by violent booms of thunder, and the rain is pouring down the windows to create somewhat of a sorrowful effect.

I can't help but smile a little in relation, because the earth is manifesting what I feel.

It's only been 2 1/2 weeks since I was prematurely released from my mission, and the amount of things I feel are incredible.

At most, I am confused as to why. Oh how the 'why's' are eating me alive. There are also the rushed feelings of embarrassment, feelings of failure, and it's all peppered with a little bit of anger.

One moment i'm excited for the future, the next i'm longing to be anywhere but here. I'm sad, confused, content, depressed, peaceful, immature, understanding, selfish, humble, motivated, and bedridden. And this is all before 9am.

So many people have reached out to me with letters of encouragement, calls of support and love. And yet, there have been a lot who haven't cared at all. I've never felt so loved and so lonely all at the same time.

In a confusing time of utter disbelief, I have been counseled to focus on the future. What future? Screw the future. I'm mad at the future.

I'm sick of people's opinions, and thirsty for them all at the same time.

I guess the purpose of this post is to put it all out there. To document this part of my life, and if anyone is out there feeling the same way- to offer the comfort that I know this is just a phase. That a period of grieving is as confusing as they come, but we'll get through it.

"April hath put a spirit of youth in everything"

2011-04-24T15:18:00.000-07:00

I spent the early part of this refreshing Easter Sunday in church. What better place to celebrate, with loving adoration, the resurrection of our Lord?

There were fabulous talks given about various topics that were all extremely uplifting.

However, during one remarkable lecture on removing yourself from pride, I found an inspiring thought come to my mind.

I used to be an incredibly optimistic person. During my childhood and well into my high school years I had an unbridled optimism for life; although let me be quick to mention, it was an attitude of optimism fueled by ignorance.

Throughout college and due to a series of unfortunate events, I slowly began to lose that child like innocence, and found myself with a negative attitude in the middle of a pessimistic world.

By the time I moved to NYC, I was at my personal rock bottom. After spending 2 1/2 years in the city, I had lost my compassion for other people, my love for myself, and any optimism I once had. I was a realist (as New Yorkers like to call themselves) and did not want to be viewed as ignorant.

Since returning back to NC, and deciding to serve a mission I've felt the desire to have my optimism back. However, I always ended up thinking to myself 'how can you gain optimism through ignorance when you already have knowledge?'

Today in church this thought hit me like a ton of bricks. So much, in fact, that I had to scribble it down in my journal:

"It's time for me to find my optimism. Before I had optimism through ignorance which turned into pessimism with knowledge. How do I go about having knowledge and optimism? God."

The key to having a remarkable attitude and extreme knowledge of the world is through the grace of God. He will give me the strength to have the best of both worlds. He will help me to see the Eternal perspective. In short, I look forward to reaching a point where I can say I am an educated optimist.

The Target theory

2011-04-04T15:07:00.000-07:00

After years of contemplating love in all it's definitive forms, i've come to the conclusion that I don't believe in soul mates. This doesn't stem from a negative 'down with love' ideal as most people suffer from. I have nothing but optimistic excitement for the future of my love life! However, it does stem from a few hypotheses that have proven themselves into one solid theory: The Target Theory.

This theory is based on the notion that if you take any two people in the world, and their sole purpose is to make a marriage work, they can have a successful marriage. (Successful meaning each is content in their relationship, and they remain married their entire lives). A lot of people have immediate problems with this beginning statement. However, the facts support it: " while divorce rates are between 40 and 50% in Canada and the US, arranged marriage statistics show us an average divorce rate of 4% " (1). Of course arranged marriages are mainly practiced in societies where divorce is forbidden, but the statistics are the same for US arranged marriages as well. Simply put- in most cases divorce stems from a selfish partner. Any two people can make a relationship work if it's their mutual number one goal.

A target (as seen above) starts off with one big circle. As you continue further into the target, the circles become smaller, until reaching the smallest circle in the middle.

I am a firm believer that the closer you are to your 'best self' (the innermost circle on the Target) the better mate you will attract.

The outer circle represents you as your adequate self. In the three basic realms of your identity (physical, mental and spiritual) you are extremely out of touch. The outer circle also represents about 20 people who you could meet, fall in love with, and have a successful marriage with. Those 20 people are in the same position you are; they are adequately living their lives and not reaching their full potential. Will it feel like your soul mate? No. Do I know dozens of people who have these marriages? Yes.

The next circle inward represents the 'fair' you. This is a more improved version of yourself than the last circle, but you have in no way mastered your physical, mental or spiritual self. Because you are better, the amount of people who will meet in this group shrinks to about 15. Your marriage will be a little more fulfilling than those in the outer circle, because both you and your spouse are putting a little more effort into your lives.

The next circle inward represents the 'better' you. You've mastered one of the three aspects. Perhaps you are extremely spiritually connected to God, or you are in peak physical shape or you are at the top of your scholarly game. However- you've only mastered one. You are still lacking in the other two areas. Due to the fact that you are better than the last circle, the group shrinks to about 10 people. There are 10 people in this world that are on the same track as you, and your marriage will be delightful, but still difficult.

The second to last circle in, you've mastered two of the three things, and there are about 5 people that match you in the world. You and your spouse connect on several different levels, but there are still things that feel less than perfect.

The last and smallest circle represents you at your full potential. You are consistently working on being your absolute best self, and because you are doing that, you will only allow yourself to end up with someone who is striving for the same things you are. The kind of love you have will feel like soul mates, because you not only love yourself, but you love God, and can in return love unconditionally- so can your partner. There are only 2-3 people in the world that match you at this particular blissful point. I have met a few couples like this in my life and they still seem madly in love even after 30 years of marriage They keep growing towards their better selves together.

We have control over our destiny, and I believe that who we end up with, is a direct reflection of how well we are doing in our own lives.

Of course there are exceptions to every rule and theory- i'm sure there are many exceptions to this one as well. All I know, is that I want to reach the point where I am close to my best self before I meet the man that I will spend the rest of my life with. I won't settle for anything less.

1. http://www.everythingengagement.com/arranged-marriage-statistics.html

I love Oprah's Masterclass....

2011-03-27T20:23:00.000-07:00

"When it looks like the sun, ain't gonna shine no more. God put a rainbow in the clouds"

-19th Century spiritual

"I've had so many rainbows in my clouds, i've had a lot of clouds, but i've also had a lot of rainbows. The thing to do it seems to me, is to prepare yourself so you can be a rainbow in someone else's cloud. Be a blessing to somebody." -Maya Angelou

" 'I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me'. What I now know is that we all become exactly what we believe. If you believe that you can do all things, because you have been endowed a power from on high, given to you by the Grace of God. If you believe that, you walk into the world understanding that whatever problems you may encounter, you still have God to lean on. "- Oprah Winfrey

"My confidence comes from knowing that there is something greater than myself that I am a part of, and is also a part of me. I call that God, and I do nothing without that understanding."- Oprah Winfrey

"How I think one matches one's life is to understand you are co-creating that life with the ultimate creator. Not understanding that puts you at your own pitiful, meager little will. And everything is left up to you. And you can't do it, you cannot survive in this world by yourself, just believing in yourself. You're not big enough to do it. I'm not big enough to do it. Nobody is big enough to do it. You have to understand that your very presence here, as a human being from earth, came from something greater than you."- Oprah Winfrey

"Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for the moment that is to come" -Oprah Winfrey

Some very wise words, from some very wise women :)

It's that time of year again... Baseball time!

2011-03-22T21:30:00.000-07:00

If you know me, you know that I am a huge Major League Baseball fan. If you know me well, you know that I am a die hard Seattle Mariners fan.

Before you start laughing too hard at my losing team, you may want to understand where this love has stemmed from.

I was born in Anchorage, Alaska on the 10th of March, 1985. Within 2 weeks of my birth, my poor parents packed everything up and moved to Seattle, Washington. My father recounts that within 2 months of moving, we attended our first Mariner's game as a family. That means that I went to my first Seattle Mariners game when I was not even 3 months old! Needless to say, being a Mariner's fan has literally been bred into the fibers of my being.

As my father and I sat in his living room this morning shooting the statistical breeze about the upcoming season, I began recounting what I remember from my childhood as a budding Mariner's fan.

My Great Uncle Graham owned a Mariner's fan shop in downtown Seattle, close to the stadium. We would park my Dad's old Toyota Celica near the shop, stop in for a little while to say hello to Uncle Graham, and begin the short walk to the stadium. I remember the blue striped jersey's lined with Ken Griffey's name, the waxy bright blue hard hats, and oddly enough, I recall the little Moose figurines that I so desperately wanted.

I remember that the Kingdome (the Mariner's old stadium) seemed to my young eyes, a cement spaceship. The huge crowds would be herded like cattle, before and after a game, through the spiral workings of the stadium. I recall holding my fathers giant hand, and walking down the winding pathway from our nosebleed seats.

I also remember the backpack we would continuously bring that was filled with cheaper snack from home. Cracker Jacks, peanut butter filled pretzels, and home cooked popcorn!

Quizzically, I interrupted my own recollections to see what my Dad remembered about that time. He said that he signed me up for the Junior Mariner's Fanclub so he could get the cheaper tickets (apparently you got 3 sets of game tickets in section 301- the family section). We also received a pin every year that we were members. He also remembered that my first few times at a baseball game I was terrified of 'the wave'. Every time it would come around, people would stand up and flail their arms over their head; I would start screaming bloody murder. I have no idea why, but that story made me laugh with such delight today!

Of course we moved away from Seattle and were forced into a life of Triple-A baseball (the Durham Bulls) because NC, SC, Virginia, West Virginia, and Tennessee all lack a major league baseball team.

Right after I graduated from High School, my Dad began taking my siblings and I on an annual baseball trip to see the Mariner's play some team in their home town. These trips have been some of the best memories thus far in my life.

Honestly: Who could forget an perfect sunny afternoon game in Boston Massachusetts, on the 4th of July, seeing their favorite team win against a top rated Red Sox...?

Not this girl :)

Baltimore Orioles vs. Mariners

The Journey Home... In Seattle at the new Safeco Field

Washington Nationals vs. The Mariners

Dear Americans,

2011-03-18T18:15:00.001-07:00

I believe that we all have the right to our opinions. Even the stupidest of people have a right to say what they want to say; however, I am having a really hard time with political opinions as of late.

If you are a staunch republican that watches FOX News 24/7 or a liberal democrat whose idol is Stephen Colbert, I get it. People are different and their walks of life contribute to their overall beliefs. No two people will ever be the same, therefore no two people will ever have the same opinion. What I cannot stand though, is the amount of disrespect people show for this country's leaders.

I have now deleted 3 people from my facebook friends list for rude remarks about our president. Honestly, he is a human being who is doing what he thinks best. You don't agree with him? -Fine. Write a post about what you would do differently and your frustrations with his choices, but don't call Obama names and feel as though you've somehow 'contributed to your cause'.

I am not the smartest person, and politics often confuse me. However, what I base my life around is Christian core values. You may not agree with someone but do not spread hatred by insulting them repeatedly while you sit on your couch and comment like a pro-nazi peanut gallery. Come on people!

Did the shooting in Arizona teach you nothing? You can't fix anything with hatred. Have you no compassion for others? 99% of the people that hate on our president wouldn't know where to begin with a job like his.

Where did this blatant hate come from? Does it stem from frustration that you don't make a difference in this world, and feel like the only thing you have control over is opinionating?

I just don't get it. I don't understand how you can teach your children compassion by insulting a man who literally has the weight of a nation on his shoulders.

There is a difference between insults and opinions. Learn it.

"I always looked upon the acts of racist exclusion, or insult, as pitiable, from the other person. I never absorbed that. I always thought that there was something deficient about such people."

Toni Morrison

Be Still My Soul

2011-03-13T17:25:00.000-07:00

Be Still My Soul

The Lord is on Thy Side....

Oh how my soul has been restless over the past week. I've always been told that before your mission is hard due to the overtime Satan starts putting in to knock you off your path. Well ladies and gentlemen, I am his full time job right now.

My inadequacies are magnified so greatly right now, especially my common mistakes. Satan is making sure that guilt is becoming a dear friend of mine once more and sucking my soul down with it. Today at church I couldn't shake the sad feeling that I didn't belong among such wonderful people, that I was a hypocrite. If only people knew the real me, they wouldn't be so nice to me... a voice in my head kept repeating. What does that even mean? I'm a good person inside and out, it's just not what Satan wants me to believe.

I was able to have the most amazing conversation with my sister this afternoon in which she shared some profound wisdom. I love it when people get me thinking the way she did. I explained to her my mistakes that were causing me guilt, the feelings of inadequacy and how my mission seemed so impossible right now. After a brief pause she said "Do you remember the story of the adulterous woman from the scriptures?"

Here it is:

"And the scribes and Pharisees brought unto him a woman taken in adultery; and when they had set her in the midst,

⁴They say unto him, Master, this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act.

⁵Now Moses in the law commanded us, that such should be stoned: but what sayest thou?

⁶This they said, tempting him, that they might have to accuse him. But Jesus stooped down, and with his finger wrote on the ground, as though he heard them not.

⁷So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.

⁸And again he stooped down, and wrote on the ground.

⁹And they which heard it, being convicted by their own conscience, went out one by one, beginning at the eldest, even unto the last: and Jesus was left alone, and the woman standing in the midst.

¹⁰When Jesus had lifted up himself, and saw none but the woman, he said unto her, Woman, where are those thine accusers? hath no man condemned thee?

¹¹She said, No man, Lord. And Jesus said unto her, Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more."

My sister pointed out that often we are the accusers of ourselves. We tend to call out our imperfections and criticize our flaws; it is as if we are standing before the Lord and saying: "see! I'm not perfect! I do this wrong, and that wrong, and I committed this many sins. I'm not worthy of your grace." (As if to test God, seeing if he will turn his back on us.) Instead, he offers the same advice to us as he did to the Adulterous woman. "Neither do I condemn thee: Go and sin no more".

Corrine then offered her pearls of wisdom. She encouraged me to stop trying to be perfect. She said "you don't have to be humble 100% of the time to still have the attribute of humility. Try your hardest and look forward Courtney. Stop letting your mistakes keep you from achieving your best in the present. Don't condemn yourself because God certainly hasn't".

Today I am thankful for such a wise younger sister who helped pull out of the sadness I was feeling, and helped me to realize that I am a daughter of God. A God that loves me no matter what I do.

Les Miserables

2011-03-06T21:17:00.000-08:00

My love affair with Les Miserables started long before my love of musical theatre. During my sophmore year of High School, my teacher Mrs. Jesse assigned us the abridged version of the Victor Hugo classic. While most of my fellow students chose to read the cliff notes, something immediately drew me to this novel.

Not only is it an extremely touching story of a man who is tormented by his unfair imprisonment, but it's also a commentary on humanity in general. How we hold grudges, start wars, undermine eachother and most awfully never forgive ourselves. Like the books says:

"Have no fear of robbers or murderers. They are external dangers, petty dangers. We should fear ourselves. Prejudices are the real robbers; vices the real murderers."

During my senior year I saw the stage musical for the first time and was struck to the core. As Jean Valjean sings his last few notes in a perfect falsetto, he leaves his final piece of advice "to love another person is to see the face of God". I was moved to tears.

Shortly after that I rented the movie version with Liam Neeson, another great rendition of the novel.

What ignites such love in my soul for this novel is not the revolutionaries or the love stories. It's the simple and profound character of the lead man Jean Valjean. He is the epitome of humility. He has the strength of character during a time when most men are lacking so, and he never stops giving. After a grueling life of being hunted, mistreated, uprooted and scorned; his last days are spent caring for the feelings of other people.

The very long winded point i'm trying to make is this:

I want to be like Jean Valjean. I want the humility, the knowledge that God will look after me, the strength to forgive people who hurt me, the love for others, the generosity, the character that this man had. Here is a link to the Youtube version of his plea to God called "Bring Him Home"

If you haven't read the book- read it. If you haven't seen the musical- see it.

"Love is the foolishness of men. The wisdom of God" -Les Miserables.

Full circle.

2011-02-26T14:00:00.001-08:00

There have only been a couple times in my life where I feel the odd paradox of my life coming full circle.

Over the past 2 months, I've moved back home to North Carolina after living in NYC for 2 1/2 years. Since home, I've begun working at Coldstone Creamery again (the same location where I began working my first job at age 17.) I also had the unique opportunity of returning to Greenville, NC home to East Carolina Univeristy... a place where I lived, worked and loved for 5 years earning my double BFA in theatre arts.

The reason I feel like these experiences are paradoxical, are simply because being back in these circumstances from the past creates the image that nothing has changed. And yet, everything has changed. What an odd feeling to return to places that were so key to my past, and try to find how they have meaning in my present.

I avoided Greenville for 2 1/2 years. At first I was avoiding my first love who was still living there. Then I was avoiding the memories of a past life. And then I woke up one January morning and thought to myself "what am I avoiding now?" Nothing.

I took a leap of faith and decided to return. A rush of anxiety immediately entered my body. What if I go back and feel worthless because I haven't achieved fame and fortune? What if I see the buildings lined with memories, or the streets that have my past ingrained in their sandy features- and I yearn to return to that time? Will I be thrown into a depression wishing I wasn't moving forward but backward?

I will have you know that upon entering the city of Greenville, I felt nothing but excitement. Driving down 5th street past the Messick Arts Theatre building or turning onto Eastern St. and seeing my old house; it created such happiness and immediate love towards the people in my life who still share this past.

(My old college house, The Eastern Estate)

So the perplexing question becomes:

Is part of accepting the past, understanding how to create a healthy respect for it in your present?

Over the past 3 years I've spent so much time convincing myself that I'm better than I was before. And while that may be true in some aspects, it causes an inaccurate perception of the mini- homes I've had in my past. Why do I feel as though I have to put down the past in order to feel good about the present? My present must have pretty low self esteem.

As I sat in Christy's Europub with my dear professor Robert Caprio, we reminisced about shows we'd done from the past. We laughed and laughed about some of the fondest memories we shared. And by doing that, we helped create a bond for the future.

I guess what I'm trying to say, is that remembering our past, sometimes gives us the chance to reach back and remember what our dreams were, and that can heavily influence our future.

Returning to work at Coldstone reminds me that child-like tenacity and youthful dreams should never die. I feel as though I'm 17 again when I'm in that store, and it's a nice reminder that growing up doesn't always mean giving up.

Returning to Greenville reminded me of my potential. Especially of the potential that other people saw in me. It reminded me that a future which seems so complicated, often feels that way simply because we project our own insecurities onto it. As a freshman, college seemed like the end of the world, but by my senior year I was a firework who had burst open shining for everyone to see.

Life is hard, but revisiting the past reminds me that it's a wonderfully hard journey. Like an old Chinese proverb says "consider the past and you shall know the future".

Mission Call!

2011-02-03T14:12:00.000-08:00

It finally happened!! I received my mission call!!

I will be serving in the Pittsburgh Pennsylvania mission!

I leave on May 11th to report to the MTC (which is in Provo UT)!

Sorry for the exclamation marks, i'm just so excited!!

I am thrilled to be able to spend 18 months of my life in complete service to God and other people... I cannot wait for this wonderful experience!

Maya's Wisdom

2011-01-17T08:34:00.000-08:00

"I am a human being. Nothing human can be alien to me"

If you can internalize the least portion of that, you will never be able to say of a criminal act 'I couldn't do that' no matter how heinous the crime. If a human being did it, you have to say 'I have in me all the components that are in him. However, I intend to use my energies constructively as opposed to destructively'.

If you can do that about the negative, just think what you can do with the positive.

-Maya Angelou

Oprah's Masterclass

There's no place like home...

2010-12-03T20:22:00.000-08:00

Home.

Why did Dorothy so desperately want to return home? She was in an awesome magical wonderland full of amazing creatures and new friends. There were bright colors everywhere with people constantly singing and dancing. Sure there was the whole ordeal with the 'wicked witch' but honestly, who doesn't have a trial or two to face every once and awhile?

After a brutally honest conversation with my sister (in which she told me she felt as if she didn't have a home) I began to wonder where I consider home. Is it Seattle where I spent the first 12 years of my life? Or perhaps North Carolina where I spent the next 12 years? Or is it New York City, where I work, pay bills, have friends and generally live my life now?

As the child of divorced parents, we no longer own either of the houses my siblings and I grew up in. I don't have the luxury of traveling back to North Carolina, swinging open the door to a house I've always known, putting my suitcases in my trophy filled room and laying on the bed I've always had. On the contrary, I'm usually sleeping on a couch or in a guest bedroom. I had to throw away all my trophies, wall hangings and paint over the silly colored walls of my childhood.

When physically, your home is gone, what's the next step?

"Home is not where you live, but where they understand you"- Christian Morganstern

"Homes really are no more than the people who live in them" -Nancy Reagan

I think for the first time in my life, I feel somewhat the same as my sister. We are homeless; but only in the sense that we physically do not have the home we've always had. Even though I would love nothing more for us to still own that beautiful house on Whitehall Way in Cary, NC, we don't. And to be honest, that's OK.

I was spending so much time trying to figure out where my official home was located, that I never really stopped to realize- who cares? I don't have to have a home right now (I'm in a transitional period for heaven sakes!!) However, I am lucky enough to have a bunch of 'mini homes' instead.

What are 'mini-homes' you ask? Simple. Anywhere that memories are woven into the scenery. Where friends or family still lives, or any place that brings a smile to your face thinking of stories from your past. A place where people greet you with a warm embrace; help you celebrate successes, comfort you in losses and generally love you for who you are.

So far, I have 'mini homes' in Renton, Cary, Greenville and New York City. Shame on me for feeling as if I had to choose one home... every person I've met along the way, in all my mini homes, has helped shape me into the delightfully odd person I am today. I am so lucky!

One of these days I'll have the amazing opportunity to create my own home with my future husband. We will own the property, decorate how we like, raise a family, make all new friends, and I will be proud to announce to the world that my list of homes is growing!

I think Dorothy and I had it all wrong. The tragedy is not 'not being/having a home'. The tragedy is not appreciating and celebrating all the 'mini homes' in your life.

Here we go....

2010-11-30T08:50:00.000-08:00

Yesterday my mission papers were officially turned in!

For those of you who haven't heard yet, I have decided to serve a mission for my church (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints)! It will be a 18 month commitment with letters and emails once a week as my only ways of communication with y'all!

This mission could not have come at a better point in my life. I have seen God's blessings pour over me as I have prepared my papers and know that this is what I am supposed to do. When something feels this right it would be a crime against myself not to follow it.

I will find out where I will be going within the next few weeks and when I will be leaving. It could be as early as the 2nd of January or anytime after that!

In preparing for this, and a mixture of other recent occurrences in my life, I have really come to be excited about life again. We literally have NO IDEA what tomorrow will bring, and I can choose to let that terrify me, or I can choose to let it free me.

I don't know who i'm going to marry (no matter how hard I continue to guess), I have no idea where I will be spending the next 2 years of my life. I don't know what I will want to do after those 2 years.... but who cares?

Life is a game, life is a trial, life is love, life is a means to an end, life is a blessing. It's time I started reminding myself of this... i'm not a victim to life. I'm a player :)

Indifferently different

2010-11-14T21:50:00.000-08:00

Our differences can be demanding. They can be our strengths, our weaknesses, our likes or dislikes, our passions or our life long goals; in the end however, we are all set apart by something. Like Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "We all boil at different degrees."

This was especially made aware to me today during a fireside devotional held at church. Observing my surroundings, I realized there were so many different kinds of people in the small chapel with me. As the opening hymn began, I especially took note of the small deaf community signing in the left- front corner. As we sang "all creatures of our God and King, lift up your voice and with us sing, Alleluia! Alleluia!" they were signing as triumphantly as I was singing. The more I watched them, the more joy I threw into my singing. In that instance, our vast differences seemed so small.

The speaker then talked about heroes. What makes a hero? He listed a lot of things such as:

1. You must not view yourself as a hero.

2. You must believe in something that's bigger than yourself with all your heart.

3. You're willing to put others in front of yourself.

4. You are prepared to do whatever it takes, no matter what.

However, what came to my mind was simpler than all of those wonderful things above. A hero is different. A hero stands firm in what sets them apart at the appropriate time to do so.

All in the course of an hour and a half I learned a very valuable lesson. Our differences don't hurt us. They bind us in a sense that can only make us exceptional, if we let it. We are all a piece of the puzzle; and allowing someone the spotlight, for a moment, simply means we are supporting them in their time to let their differences shine.

"To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others." -Tony Robbins

Concerts!

2010-11-08T07:08:00.000-08:00

Over the past few months I've had the opportunity to attend a couple very amazing concerts. Even though I wasn't a die hard fan of either of these musicians, it was a unique and wonderful opportunity to see them live.

1. EMINEM/JAY-Z

Where: Yankee Stadium, Brooklyn NY

It was the first time i'd ever been to a rap concert. At first, I fell completely out of place, and then Eminem came out onstage. Here's a video of his entrance. He was like a boxer going into the ring for the biggest fight of his life. He was mesmerizing, passionate, and incredibly articulate while performing. Here are some crappy pictures I took with my cell phone Hahaha...

Kanye West joined Eminem wearing a red jumpsuit, a huge clock and something leopard print. He's talented but so very odd.

Naturally Beyonce appeared to sing a duet with her husband Jay-Z. She was absolutely stunning!

I gained a whole new appreciation and love for these artists during this concert, and developed a huge crush on Eminem. Trust me when I say, he was the best performer i've ever seen live.

2. Elton John and Leon Russell

Where: Beacon Theatre, NYC

My dear friend Martha works for Good Morning America. They were doing a segment with Elton John an Leon Russell who were promoting their newest cd together. Martha called me up and asked if I wanted to see Sir Elton John in concert. DUH! The only catch was that it was at 6am... not a problem in my book.

They were performing on Good Morning America so the 'gang' was all there to do interviews and enjoy the show.

Leon Russell is older than dirt, and takes about 5 minutes just to walk across the stage. He said about 5 words the whole concert, but when it came time to Rock n' Roll, he sure brought it to the table. I want to be as passionate about something when i'm that old.

Mousetraps

2010-10-21T12:05:00.000-07:00

I'm an animal lover. From the moment I was able to cognitively form an opinion until my Junior year of high school, all I wanted to be was a veternarian. Even though my career goals have shifted, my love for animals is still in tact.

Growing up my sister and I both had rodents: a guinea pig, rabbit, hamsters, and mice. Needless to say, seeing a rat in the NYC subway station hardly phases me (if I saw a spider though, I would have a mild heart attack).

Recently while I was laying on my bed, talking to my Mom on the phone, I saw something moving out of the corner of my eye.

"Hold on Mom... there's something in my room"

"There's someone in your room!?!?"

"No Mom, I saw something move and I think...yup... I just saw him again. I have a mouse in my house."

"Aww a mouse! You can name it Tom!"

And this is how Tom entered my life. I now see him several times a day and I'd be lying if I said I was grossed out. I know it's unsanitary (and the thought of not minding a little mouse makes people look at me like i'm some kind of a freak) but he's harmless and cute and i'm a little lazy. However, once the roomates found out they freaked out.

Katie suggested a sticky trap- I denied. Those traps are completely inhumane! They make the mouse suffer and starve to death. Lauren suggested poison. The last thing I wanted was the mouse eating poision and dying somewhere not to be found.

So alas, I went to the hardware store today and looked at the options. We could either catch and release him, or use a snap trap. The clerk at the store said if I release Tom into the wild (and by wild I mean Central Park) he will find his way back to his family, and inevitably back into my apartment. I don't know if I believe this guy- he hardly looked like a rodent expert, but his guess was better than mine.

I have no idea what I was thinking a snap trap looked like- but I was not expecting my life to suddenly become a Ben and Jerry cartoon. I guess with our technology constantly improving, I am always shocked to find things that have stayed the same. Did you know that snap traps literally still look like this?

I bought a couple packs of them, and made my way home, suddenly feeling very sad. I know Tom shouldn't be in my apartment but is killing him really the answer? Lauren helped me set the trap up in my room, on a piece of newspaper, with some blue cheese seductively crumbled in the prime spot. Lauren could see I was a little distraught.

"I've been thinking. Instead of Tom why don't we call the mouse Bin Laden."

"Bin Laden?" I replied.

"Yea- that way you won't feel so bad about killing him. We're just gonna kill Bin Laden."

So here it is: Bin Laden (the mouse) just like Bin Laden (the terrorist) is being hunted by Americans and is nowhere to be found.

My future husband.

2010-10-15T14:06:00.000-07:00

Lately i've been thinking about my future. It will hopefully encompass a lot of things like a mission, marriage, career, kids, grand kids.... I could go on and on (don't worry, I won't).

Let's face it: we are constantly bombarded with 'Carpe Diem-like quotes' such as:

'Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind of the present moment'. -Buddah

I understand and embrace the idea of living in the present (one of my last blog posts was about it). However, I don't think it's harmful every once and awhile to get excited about the future. I find it a useful way to remain motivated through the journey.

One night during this 'day-dreaming' I began thinking about my future husband. What will he look like? What will his passions be? Will he love me as much as I know i'll love him? Questions flooded my mind as I began the descent into sleep; but before I entered the realm of dreams, I remember thinking one distinct thought.

It's going to be so wonderful falling asleep with your arms around me.

I can't spend my life yearning and crying over what I don't have. It's pointless and destructive. That doesn't mean however, that I have to be thrilled going to bed alone every night. There are some things in life that will inevitably be better when he's around, and I think it's healthy to acknowledge that.

So wherever you are, future husband, I can't wait for you to come into my life. I know that having you will not solve all of my problems. It will, however, make a lot of things abundantly sweeter :)

Beliefs...

2010-10-12T20:48:00.000-07:00

This is what Mormons believe... love.

It is a statement released by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

Country?

2010-10-12T08:28:00.000-07:00

In high school I proudly boasted my dislike for country music (and membership of the i hate country music club).

I don't know what was wrong with me!?

After attending College in a small city in the eastern part of North Carolina, all of that changed. My love for country and blue grass is growing by the day, and I would like to set the record straight: I LOVE COUNTRY MUSIC!

I'm trying out the idea of being a country singer (because it's just that easy), and decided to add another video to the YouTube collection... so here it is!

'Stay' originally performed by Sugarland, now performed by me!

Mormon Mafia

2010-10-09T22:28:00.000-07:00

Every Mormon knows the phrase "Mormon Mafia". And if you're a Mormon and you've never heard it... shame on you.

The last time I used the phrase was to explain why 12 men in shirts, ties, and name tags showed up to help me and my roomates move into our new apartment.

My friend Sam was excited that he almost had enough people for a baseball team called 'The Elders', until I explained to him that missionaries couldn't just go play baseball whenever they wanted. We all had a lot of laughs about the Mormon's always having other Mormon's backs etc etc.

This didn't become a truly touching phrase until tonight.

I was cut early at work and could have easily left at 11pm. However, I saw my friend Andre get slammed with several tables and decided to go help out and take an order for him. I approached a table of 6 women and cheerfully asked if they were ready to order. Before anyone could speak, one of the girls said "are you wearing a CTR ring?" (For all you non Mormon's out there, these initials stand for Choose The Right- it's kind of the Mormon version of What Would Jesus Do.)

"Yes!" I replied.

"Are you Mormon?"

"I am!" I said enthusiastically. "Are y'all?"

"We are!"

They were from New Mexico on their 10th annual girls weekend, visiting one of their friends who lives here in New York City. They were so excited to hear about my life in the city and were even more thrilled at the news that I am currently preparing to serve a mission.(Surprise for those of you who don't know yet!)

When Andre approached the table, they gushed about how much they loved me and at the end of the evening, after they had paid, they left me an extra $10 and wrote "Good Luck!" on the check. The eldest of the ladies came right up and gave me a huge hug, kindly whispering "good luck with everything!" in my ear.

It almost made me cry. I felt so incredibly loved at that moment. Loved by 6 women I had just met and probably will never see again.

I love my Mormon Mafia.

"They don't understand, do they?"

2010-10-05T21:03:00.000-07:00

I was talking with my wonderful sister on the phone today about living life.

Her explanation is to pack as many things into your life as possible. To see it all rather than miss anything. She said "This life is full of so many amazing things that I won't be able to experience once mortality is over. I want to experience it all!"

I used to feel this way too. In some ways, I agree. We have only one chance at life, shouldn't we make the most out of it? However, this is where I feel a line needs to be drawn. You see, life isn't only about the big moments. If we define living by the 'finish lines' we cross, then we are missing the point. We are missing the journey.

In the play "Our Town" by Thornton Wilder, a woman who is taken well before her time, pleads for one chance to go back to her life. Although the narrator warns her of the consequences she chooses to return anyway. It's her birthday (no monumental day in the scheme of her life) and she is slowly distraught by how we living beings brush over the minute details in our lives. Here is an excerpt from the play when she becomes so frustrated by how non-challant her mother is acting towards her, she decides to leave:

"Emily: I can't! I can't go on! (sobs a moment) It goes so fast. We don't have time to look at one another. I didn't realize. So all that was going on and we never noticed?

Take me back- up the hill- to my grave.

But first: Wait! One more look!

Goodbye world! Goodbye Mama and Papa- Goodbye to clocks ticking- and my butternut tree! and Mama's sun flowers- and food and coffee- and new ironed dresses and hot baths- and sleeping and waking up! Oh earth, you're too wonderful for anyone to realize you! Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it- every, every minute?

Stage Manager: (Quietly) No- Saints and poets maybe- they do some.

....

Emily: They don't understand- do they?

Mrs. Gibbs: No dear. They don't understand."

My point is, how easy is it to let our lives be defined by the big accomplishments? How often do we let them overshadow the true meaning of living? The sun flowers, the food and coffee- and new ironed dresses and hot baths and sleeping and waking!

Please do not misunderstand; of course our Bucket Lists, goals, dreams and aspirations should be worked for and sought after. These accomplishments should be cherished and acknowledged. However, next time you wake up and take a deep breath, or smell bacon cooking on the stove, or feel the raindrops on your face; take a moment to pay homage to what you are experiencing. You, in that moment, are living.

Chain letters....

2010-09-30T21:31:00.000-07:00

Tagging someone to fill out a survey, to me, is like a chain letter used to be. I have projected the idea that it's bad luck not to fill them out. So here it goes! This one is from Mishy's blog!

1. Milk Chocolate or dark chocolate?

Milk. milk. milk. Dark chocolate tastes like i'm eating dirt.

2. What's your favorite color?

Green (although i'm loving purple right now!)

3. Do you have any creative hobbies?

Yes! I love to write music (you can youtube some of my videos on youtube!) play the guitar and piano, and love writing in general. I love painting- even though i'm really bad at it, and think decorating for the seasons on a strict budget is a creative hobby in and of itself!

4.What was your favorite subject in school?

Chorus class for 2 reasons: I always had a crush on someone in that class, and I love to sing! Also english- nothing better than a debate after reading a book!

5.What is your favorite season and why?

There is no way I can choose. Right now it's fall- because it's fall. Here are some of the reasons I love all 4...

Summer- the 4th of July is my favorite Holiday, swimming, camping, vacations, Mr. Softee truck in NYC, free outdoors events

Fall- the leaves changing colors, the smell of a crisp morning, awesome holidays, fall tv returns

Winter- snow snow snow!

Spring- no more snow! no more snow! Flowers, and rain

6. Who inspires you to sing like crazy when no one is around?

Any act 1 ballad from a musical, any current popular favorite :)

7. What's your favorite dessert? Can you make it?

Pie and Vanilla Ice cream. Heck no.

8. How did you learn to cook?

Still haven't.

I'm not tagging anyone!

Update!

2010-09-24T08:00:00.000-07:00

Just a quick update on the alien that's been growing on my head:

Yesterday I went to the doctor and even though my appointment was at 2pm, I wasn't seen until 4:15. Also, tack on another 35 minutes of waiting because I arrived early for my appointment. I explained my condition to the 5th year resident and she consulted with 'the boss'. After the boss examined me, they discussed and came to the conclusion that they were going to make an incision, extract as much of the liquid inside as possible and then see me again in a week. After that there will be two options: leave it alone because it's healing properly or go in for a 'O.R.- IV in the arm- passed out- surgery' to remove the whole thing. Lets all pray it's option 1, for my bank accounts sake. She stuck 4 needles in my head and pumped it full of anesthesia and placed a cloth over my head only leaving a 3 inch radius open where the wound was. It wasn't painful this time (except for the needles) and it took less than 30 minutes to finish.

I felt fine, made an appointment for next week, and went outside on the steps to call my mom. As I was talking to her, tears started flowing down my face. I started giggling and said "I don't know why I want to cry, but I do!" I proceeded to giggle myself into a cab (I wasn't going to walk 35 blocks home under the influence of anesthesia) and half way home started crying again because I saw a man carrying roses and thought to myself 'I wish someone would bring me roses!' Friends started calling me and laughing because their Mormon friend Courtney was finally understanding what it felt like to be drunk (except from anesthesia). I don't remember a lot of what I said, but I do remember dear, sweet Krista coming over to take care of me and us having a lot of laughs about nothing. Oh the wonders of modern medicine!

Oy vey!

2010-09-21T11:50:00.000-07:00

Two years ago, while doing a show called The Boyfriend, I developed what the doctors thought was an ingrown hair (from wearing wigs). It is on the left side of my forehead along my hair line. It's basically been a non-growing lump that just sits there. I got it checked out a year and a half ago by a dermatologist who said it would not cause any problems, I could get it removed if I wasn't happy with how it looked.

Well, she was wrong. Now it's infected (I guess), has tripled in size, and has swollen the entire Left Side of my head. I look like Frankenstein. It gives me a constant headache and can't be touched without throbbing with pain. I went to the ER yesterday where they took a sample (by sticking a huge needle in it), dried to squeeze the puss out of it, and then told me to come back Thursday to remove it. I have never felt such pain in my life!! Then again, Ive never given birth.

Basically- my head hurts, there is a huge lump on the left side of it that is causing everything else to swell (I can't raise my left eyebrow) and I don't have any insurance. Life is great right now.

Fall, a fake, and family history!

2010-09-18T18:32:00.000-07:00

FALL

I absolutely love the fall. There is something in the air as the weather starts to cool down that excites me! Labor Day weekend was a wonderful start to cooler weather with a beautiful cloudless and sunny sky. I don't think it got past 78 degrees either! Before work I sat on one of the benches on riverside drive (which is located along the Hudson river all the way down the West side of Manhattan) and read a book. Such a great day!

A FAKE

As I was walking home from work the other day, I happened to look to my left and saw this:

I literally glanced over, did a double take, walked half a block laughing to myself, turned around, and walked back to take a picture. It's not real (obviously) it's a cardboard cut out of a baby. Sigh- oh New York City.

FAMILY HISTORY

I've been watching episodes of the TV show Who Do You Think You Are? recently and have fallen in love with it! For those of you who don't know, this show takes a celebrity (like Spike Lee) and helps them uncover their family history. There is always some kind of mystery that is solved by the end of the show. It's heart warming, entertaining and a little bit of a history lesson at the same time. They have all 7 episodes on Hulu and are returning in the fall for more!

Random thoughts...

2010-09-02T11:56:00.000-07:00

I am so glad that it is September!

I really do have an appreciation for all seasons, but Fall is quickly turning into my new favorite!! I love the trees changing colors, the fall clothes, Football season, Halloween and Thanksgiving. Sigh... it makes me excited just thinking about it!

There is still no sign of my disappearing fish- i've left the tank full of water in hopes that he will teleport back into it.

Lately i've been very grateful for true friends. It's hard to come by a group of people who will continue to inspire you, love you, and support you. I feel like right now I have a great group of people surrounding me. Some friends come and go (which doesn't mean your love for them dies, it simply means they were meant for a season of your life) but if you're lucky, you'll have a few that continue to stick around.

I really have an appreciation for my family and the relationship I have with them as well. My brother and sister are out of this world awesome and my parents/ step parents show me so much love it's hard to imagine getting through this life without them!

Hope everyone is having a great week and is excited for Labor Day!

Overview of the past 2 days...

2010-08-27T23:02:00.000-07:00

Last night I had the most wonderful dream.

I was at church being introduced to a man. I asked him what his favorite sport was as we walked to Sunday School. "Baseball" he replied.

"Ooh right answer! I'm gonna keep you around for awhile! " I flirtatiously responded.

Next thing I know we are in some room with a group of people and we are holding hands and then I remember us cuddling.

I felt such happiness during that whole dream. As I opened my eyes and rolled over the feelings quickly faded to annoyance as I realized it was all just a dream.

Then I laid in bed the whole day and felt sorry for myself HAHAHA!

Also I finished watching the whole series Veronica Mars on Hulu. Such a good show and it's such a shame it was pre-maturly canceled. The last episode is such a let down!

Last but not least, I fell down the stairs yesterday at work. It was an odd way to fall but let's just say the wind was knocked out of me and I now have a bruised elbow, bruised rib and my whole left hip hurts hahaha. I am so clumsy sometimes! The minute I got up I started giggling. What's wrong with me ?

Vacation!

2010-08-24T06:35:00.000-07:00

At the beginning of August I was able to take a wonderful 10 day vacation to help pick my sister up from her Mission in Rochester NY. It was a great experience and here are a few random pictures from along the way!

*I met my Mom and David in Philly to tour some of the historical sites. Here we are waiting for our turn to tour Independence Hall.

*Here is the Liberty Bell:

*Our trip was filled with lots of laughing and way to much silliness! When you get my brother, sister and I together, we act like a bunch of 12 year olds!! Here is David in the hotel room trying to go to sleep. I was laughing so hard I was crying at the way he sleeps...

(Sorry the angle is weird)

*After Philly, we all drove up to NYC and stayed in my apartment! I showed the family around NYC including a Yankees game (our family hates the Yankees but it was the Sox vs. Yankees game... who is gonna say no to that?), Little Italy for dinner, and Times Square at night!

As you can see David and I are wearing our Mariner's hats. Can't ever take the chance that someone might get confused where our allegiance lies!

*Corrine had just wrapped up 18 months of serving the people of Rochester for an LDS mission. Basically meaning she spends 18 months preaching the word of God and helping those in need. She only can email once a week and isn't allowed to go to the movies, listen to popular music etc... She literally was in full 24/7 service of God! The cool thing about this trip was that Corrine didn't know my Mom and Dad were coming. She thought that David and I were picking her up. So after David and I arrived at the Mission President's house and had our reunion, we led Corrine to the cars with her luggage, only to be surprised by my Mom and Dad hiding behind the side of the house!! This is her surprise face as she screamed out "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!"

Dad and Corrine newly reunited!!

Here is a picture of Corrine and I in the car on the way to the church historical sites. Corrine served at the Whitmer farm, Palmyra, and the Sacred Grove (which includes the Smith family farm). It was great because she got to take us on our own personal tours!

David and I on top of the Hill Cumorah!

Here is a picture of Corrine in the Sacred Grove. I'm so thankful for my wonderful sister and the example she is to me. What a truly wonderful woman she has become!!

After seeing the sites, we drove back down to North Carolina. I was able to spend 4 more days there and visit with my family and a few friends. Overall it was a wonderful (and much needed) vacation from New York City!

The Curious Case of Faux

2010-08-18T20:53:00.000-07:00

A few months ago, while reading Harry Potter, my fish BJ died. It was a short period of mourning seeing as how the next day I found a Petsmart in Manhattan and set off to buy a new fish.

She caught my eye immediately. As I looked at her, she swam up to me and met my finger on the glass. I was sold. Due to her bright red color and appealing 'good nature' I named her Faux, after Dumbledore's pheonix in Harry Potter.

The past couple months have been filled with joy having Faux in my life. I spent the last 1o days out of town and asked my roommate Katie to feed her while I was absent.

Upon my return, Katie met me with a guilty expression.

"I've got some bad news"

"What is it?" I

replied.

"I think I killed Faux"

"oh."

"I realized this morning that I hadn't fed Faux since Friday so I ran out of bed into your room and... well... she wasn't there."

"What do you mean?"

"I put some food in the bowl hoping she'd re-appear, but she didn't and I think she may be dead"

"Hmmm..." I thought out loud, "It's ok Katie, it's a $5 fish and I bet she is just hiding in the rocks at the bottom of the bowl."

As I entered into my room, the bowl was seemingly empty. I shook the bowl, moved some of the rocks around, and finally dumped the contents out into the kitchen sink.

Nothing.

Katie and I moved all the furniture in my room around (fearing Faux may have jumped out of the bowl).

Nothing.

We asked my other roommate Lauren if she knew anything about this weird situation.

Nothing.

My fish has literally accomplished the sole thing I would devote my life to: teleportation.

Flirtations and Famous people

2010-08-06T23:18:00.000-07:00

FLIRTATION:

I get off work Wednesday around 5pm and am making my way across Broadway when I make eye contact with a man walking his bicycle down the street. It wasn't a magical moment by any means and I was exhausted from work, so imagine my surprise when the man with the bicycle fastly approaches my left side.

"Please just smile for me"

Is this seriously his pick up line?

I smiled and continued walking- he followed.

"Ah you're gorgeous! Are you from here?"

"No I'm from North Carolina, but i've been here in the city for 2 years now" I replied.

"Well I was born here but raised in Italy my whole life, and I could have sworn you were a Swedish girl, cause they're the most beautiful in the world"

What gave it away smooth talker? My obviously dyed blonde hair?

"Hmm well i've never gotten that before-" and before I could finish my sentence he pulls his phone out of his pocket and points it at me.

"Come on, give me your number"

"I'm sorry. I won't give you my number for 2 very good reasons. First of all, i'm in a relationship and I don't think my boyfriend would like that (lie) and second of all, I don't give my phone numbers out to random strangers on the streets of NYC."

"Ok, well take my number then"

In an effort to speed this process up as soon as possible, I agreed and took down his name and number. Sam is his name and he didn't stop there.

"You should call me. I'm sexy, i'm good looking, I know how to please a woman and treat her right"

"Ohhh. Great" I said, wishing more than ever to be out of this conversation.

"Listen" says Sam. "I don't wish for many things, but I sure wish you would call me tonight"

As soon as he said this I tried my hardest to refrain from rolling my eyes and stuck out my hand for a 'good-bye shake'.

"It was nice meeting you Sam".

He grabbed my hand and pulled me in for a hug, which I consented to. Then on the way out of the hug he kissed me on the cheek, took me by the shoulders, and tried to kiss me on the lips!? Seriously!?

I turned and walked away only to hear him calling after me "call me tonight, I'll be waiting!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FAMOUS PEOPLE:

The celebs must be in desperate need of attention, because they have been swarming my neighborhood for the past 2 days. Lists of people I've seen so far:

Tina Fey and husband (30 Rock)

Kathy Najimy (Hocus Pocus)

Bill Rancic and Giuliana (Soap opera star and E! news anchor)

Claire Danes (Romeo and Juliet)

Dann Florek (Law and Order SVU)

For 2 days, that ain't bad eh?

The Red Carpet

2010-08-02T22:03:00.001-07:00

Today some girlfriends and I were able to go to the Red Carpet Premiere of the new Will Ferrell and Mark Walberg movie 'The Other Guys".

The girls were approached a week ago to be seat fillers for the premiere and

of course we all said YES! NYC premiere's are usually done in 2 locations. Either at The Ziegfeld or The Lincoln Square Theatre.

(This one was at The Ziegfeld)

We lined up around the back of the theatre and were given

small cards that had the number of people in our party on them.

Then when the time came closer to enter, we were given our actual tickets. They were lamenated with our assigned seat number on them- so exciting! We all filed into the gorgeous theatre where the concession stands were giving away free sodas, popcorn, pretzels, and water bottles!

The girls and I were on the very front row and had a blast! We didn't see any celebrities before the movie, however after was a celebrity jackpot!

As we filed into the lobby afterwards, there was Mark Walberg and Will Ferrell themselves taking pictures, and signing autographs! I'm not a big fan of asking people for either, so I simply walked by and smiled to myself. Man I would love to be a movie star. We also saw Star Jones (who isn't in the movie) and a few other members of the cast!

(Me holding up my ticket)

The movie was pretty good. Definitely funny, however I can't say it would be worth the $13 ticket in the movie theatre. This one is perfect for Netflix!

Here is a link to the pictures of the actual Red Carpet. It's crazy to think I was chillin in the movie theatre with these guys!

Two Down and forty one to go!

2010-08-02T06:52:00.003-07:00

Yesterday I completed another thing off my bucket list... to become a blonde!

So far I can say i'm loving it, but the question at hand is- do blonde's really have more fun?

:(

2010-08-02T06:43:00.001-07:00

"How can people be so heartless,

How can people be so cruel

Easy to be Hard

Easy to be Cold

How can people have no feelings,

How can they ignore their friends,

Easy to be proud,

Easy to say no."

-Hair

I don't understand what makes us innately prone to hurt other people. We are selfish, rude, awful people sometimes. Recently I've been made actutely aware of how people hurt others in all facets. Whether it's a snide remark to a spouse, or an unnecessary chastisement of a child, physical or mental abuse, gossiping, judging looks... it all helps make this earth miserable.

I'm going to try really hard over the next week to choose love.

It's going to be hard, but I don't want to contribute anymore evil and heartache to this world than there already is.

Hmmm....

2010-07-29T12:42:00.000-07:00

Favorite Scripture of the moment:

Mosiah 4:27 (In the Book of Mormon)

"And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength. And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order."

It got me thinking of some very key things:

1. What are my "prizes"?

2. Are they worth a diligent and sometimes slow journey to achieve?

3. Why is it so hard to live a balanced life? It is true after all, the saying "by small means are great things accomplished".

The Merchant of Venice

2010-07-23T22:43:00.000-07:00

Every summer The Public (a very reputable theatre company in NYC) puts on a couple of free shows--one of which is usually a Shakespearean piece-- for the good people of New York, appropriately called Shakespeare in the Park.

It takes place in Central Park in a gorgeous outdoor amphitheatre which over looks the lake and a castle.

Tickets are insane to get ahold of. If there is a big celebrity name in the show, it's nearly impossible to accomplish obtaining good tickets. Because they are completely free, you have to wait in line or buy them off of scalpers for outrageous sums.

One of my best friends Aaron Pratt and our mutual friend Wes Curtis waited in line starting at 10:30pm Thursday night, for tickets to be given out for the Friday night show, the following morning at 11am. By the time they found their place in the line, it was already 3 blocks long! They spent the night on the streets of New York to get these tickets!?

I was most graciously asked to attend as Aaron's date (you are allowed up to 2 tickets per person) and hastily agreed. It only runs for 1 more week and I certainly don't want to wait in line all night for my own ticket!

The show? Shakespeare's The Merchant of Venice.

Some of the cast?

Al Pacino, Jesse Tyler Ferguson, and Jesse L. Martin!

I met the boys at the entrance to Central Park, we entered the beautiful auditorium and found our seats with 10 minutes till top of show. About 15 minutes into the show, clouds started rolling in with a lot of thunder and lightning. Withing minutes the rain began pouring down and the show was "paused" until further notice. The four of us pulled out our umbrellas and huddled together during what felt like a mini hurricane! It was pouring rain, thundering, lightning and the wind was howling: we were soaked! We waited it out (thankfully) and were happy to find that one hour later, Al Pacino came back on stage and started with the same line he'd finished with. Of course this was met with a huge applause from the audience and a smile from him :)

The show was phenomenal, the set was breathtaking and innovative, and Al Pacino's acting brought tears to my eyes several times. More than anything, I was shocked to find how much I like the show itself. I had never read nor seen a production of this show, and assumed it was one of Shakespeare's less popular plays for a reason. I was mistaken. It is funny, touching, intelligent and has a great plot!

There is talk of it moving to Broadway, and if that's the case, make it a must see on your New York list!

What's your fruit?

2010-07-22T21:37:00.000-07:00

Today was a rather dull day at work. So to spruce things up, we decided to start playing a game called "what fruit are you?" We decided quickly that Andre was an vibrant orange, and that Ursula was a subdued plum.

Allowing no time for other's to think of his fruit, my friend Corey said "I'm a prune".

"A prune? Why on earth would you call yourself a prune?!"

"Because" he responded, "At first I am really great and over time I shrivel up and become shrewd. Also, I make people run. And let's face it- I'm only good in small doses."

He smiled, and walked away as all of us burst into laughter! Only Corey would be so blunt.

A few minutes later as we all once again gathered around the bar, someone said "what fruit is Courtney?" Corey didn't miss a beat.

"She's a mango. A ripe and juicy mango just waiting to be harvested- girl get yourself a husband cause you are SOOOO ready to be married!"

I'm beginning to think Corey's talent for guessing people's fruit is dead on ;)

Raindrops on Roses and Whiskers on Kittens....

2010-07-18T20:58:00.000-07:00

Here are a few of my favorite things from the past week:

1. I bought new pillows!

2. I hung a strand of white christmas lights across my open brick wall in my apartment... it makes me feel like there is a little bit of christmas all year round :)

3. Today in church I was reminded of how much I love being Mormon. I really do believe the church is true and love it with all my heart.

4. I am slowly gaining a testimony that by small means are great things accomplished.

5. I finally got to see my friend Cameron in Promises Promises! She was great and so was the rest of the cast!

6. I had a wonderful reunion evening with my dear bestie Laura Buckner... I am always amazed at how much of an amazing woman she is!

Cheers to next week!

Air Conditioning

2010-07-15T07:38:00.000-07:00

This morning as I awoke I noticed something extremely different about how I felt: I was rested.

You see, I have not had an air conditioner at all. Life was fine in the winter and more than doable in the spring; however, once it started reaching 98 with 66% humidity I felt like I was baking alive in my bedroom.

I finally sucked it up and forked out the $100 for an air conditioner... and IT IS THE BEST INVESTMENT OF THE YEAR!

No more sweaty sleepless nights for me!!

I don't understand...

2010-07-13T12:54:00.000-07:00

I can't wrap my mind around my own mind right now.

These are the thoughts that have been swirling around in this head of mine for the past few days, and other than the cold I am currently suffering from, it's making my head hurt.

1. I want to be an actor... but it's so much to battle for me I just don't know if I can do it.

2. I hate that I am surrounded by selfish people. I hate that my friends whom I want to be surrounded by have husbands and don't plausibly have time for me. I hate that people won't even know i'm feeling this way because they won't take the time to ask how I am doing.

3. I hate being sick.

4. I hate my life right now. I'm swimming in a confused sea of thoughts, feelings and such sadness.

5. I just want to leave. I want to leave New York and start all over again... it stinks that there isn't a re-do button in life.

6. I wish people understood that when you tell someone you don't enjoy their art, you are saying in so many words, you don't enjoy them.

7. I hate that i'm so dramatic.

8. I really hate that i'm so dramatic.

9. I so badly want someone in my life who cares enough about me, to make my feelings a priority. I'm no ones priority and that's a lonely place to be.

10. I hate facebook, but it's a good networking tool... eugh... I really hate facebook though.

This post isn't meant to ignite pity or worry, it's just how I feel and if I don't throw it out there in the universe, if I don't tell someone, i'm going to scream.

Where is the love?

2010-07-09T22:01:00.000-07:00

I learned a very big lesson today about myself.

I am selfish. (Don't be too shocked)

I used to be one of the most unselfish people I know. I gave constantly of myself to my friends and acquaintances, never feeling bad that I rarely received much in return. One day, it was brought to my attention that the world calls this concept 'being taken advantage of'. From that moment on, I have fought a battle of putting myself first and how miserable it has been!

I was made acutely aware of how low I have digressed today. Upon realizing my dear friend's Grandmother had passed away; I was more upset that she had not personally called to inform me of this occurrence, than the fact that one of my best friends had lost her closest relative.

After a couple minutes of self pity I was smacked back into reality by a small voice that preached love. Where is your love Courtney?

Good question. Where is it?

I've decided it's time to regain the love I felt for others. I've spent time living life where I gave all I had to anyone who asked for it. I've also spent time closing off my heart and only giving my love to those who proved they are worth it. In the end, it's better to love everyone. If I choose to love everyone I'll be so much happier in the end.

Like Mother Theresa said: I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.

Is 1 really the lonliest number?

2010-07-05T19:28:00.000-07:00

lonely

1. affected with, characterized by, or causing a depressing feeling of being alone; lonesome

2.destitute of sympathetic or friendly companionship,intercourse, support

3.remote from places of human habitation; desolate;unfrequented; bleak

4.standing apart; isolated

alone

1. separate, apart, or isolated from others: I want to be alone.

to the exclusion of all others or all else: One cannot live bybread alone.

unique; unequaled; unexcelled: He is alone among his peersin devotion to duty.

Hmmm....

Lately i've been thinking a lot about loneliness. Perhaps it's because for the first time in my life, I truly feel lonely. I feel alone in every sense of the word, yet ironically I am surrounded by people.

My Mom seems to feel that it's because i'm ready for a male companion... maybe I am? Eugh- aren't you supposed to know these things?

I think it actually stems from the fact that I can't calm down and choose one path. I can't decide who I want to be.

I'm too 'Mormon' for more college friends yet I feel like i'm not 'Mormon' enough for my church friends. I'm too fit to be in the lazy-fat kids club, but not in shape enough to be friends with the fit kids. I'm talented enough to hang around with talented people, but not driven enough to push myself to keep up with the successful ones. I'm single, so most of my married friends don't have time for me; and explain this to me: I love acting but hate most actors.

This may sound depressing, and I don't mean it to be. I'm just writing out loud:

Am I lonely because I can't pick a group and stick with it?

Reading through the definitions posted above, I hate what they say. I loathe that they perfectly and accurately describe how i've felt for awhile. I'm sick of being lonely but I can't help but wonder: am I the only one to blame for feelings of neglect and destitution?

A can of whoop-a#$

2010-06-30T23:45:00.000-07:00

Recently I've been feeling directionless.

Or maybe I have too many different directional possibilities?

Either way, for whatever reason, I have been feeling unaccomplished, antsy, and generally unhappy.

After work tonight, I called my father to get the standard "you-have-accomplished-enough-just-by-living-in-New-York-City-I-am-so-proud-of-you-and-will-always-love-you" talk. Instead, to my immediate distaste and surprise, my father actually decided to tell me the truth.

In other words, my Dad straight up handed me a can of whoop-a@# over the phone. I felt like a 10 year old who had just tried to throw her vegetables underneath the table during dinner. I was embarrassed, upset and most of all: inspired.

An interesting fact about Courtney- I am motivated the most by people who tell me the hard, cold truth. If you tell me I suck, I'm going to work to prove you wrong. If you tell me I'm fat, I'm going to lose 20 pounds. It's weird, I know.

I now have a direction, and it's not just to prove my father wrong! I love to be creative and it's time I started allowing myself to successfully do so!

I filled the "about" section of my blog; I also added some of my poetry to the "poetry" section as well. Next up: Music section (once I can figure out how to go about doing so!)

The moral of this story:

Just Do It. No More Excuses. Go For It.

Fresh new start

2010-06-29T07:21:00.000-07:00

A HUGE thank you to Mary Plautz for designing this amazing new blog for me!

She's so great to work with and if you'd like her information let me know!!

The End of My Harry Potter Journey

2010-06-24T20:08:00.001-07:00

Less than 15 minutes ago I completed the reading all 7 of the Harry Potter Books for the first time. As I type this blog post I am still wiping free flowing tears from my eyes and can't help but feel a surge of different emotions!

What an absolutely outstanding series of books. I have never been so captivated by a story before, so enthralled by a person's talent to tell a tale, and utterly felt so much for a group of fictional characters!

This isn't just a silly children's story, it's a touching tale of friendship, love, good vs. evil, and overall one of the best forms of creativity I've beheld.

I grew to love these characters so much. I cared for their well being and as silly as it sounds, I became head over heels engrossed in their magical world.

I've always known I was a little dramatic (stories tend to really effect me emotionally sometimes) however, I've never been ashamed of it because, well, I'm an actress- it's my job to be dramatic :) These books however, have engulfed me for life. This will not be the last time I read this series and I will definitely share them with my children. The life lessons and pure entertainment you can gain from these books are worth every minute of your time!

Even though I was slow to catch onto the craze of it all, I am now a Harry Potter fan for life !

:)

2010-06-24T06:52:00.000-07:00

Must....read.... Harry Potter.

1/2 way through the 7th book and my life is falling apart around me because ALL I WANT TO DO IS READ THIS BOOK!!!

Current Feelings: Anxious, sadness, hopelessness, curiosity, confusion, anger, love, excitement, frustration, horror, disdain, and obsessive.

I'm starting to think that this 'light summer reading' I picked up is having the opposite effect that I wanted it to!

Holy Hipogriphs I LOVE THIS BOOK!

One down Forty Two to go!

2010-06-21T19:47:00.000-07:00

Today I fully accomplished the first thing off my bucket list: skydiving

I made a reservation for the 1st of May to go skydiving and have had to reschedule about 10 times. Finally today the sun was shining, the sky was cloudless, and no one had any

conflicts!

I met Charlie in front of the West Side Story marquee in Times Square and hopped on the N train out to Queens where we met up with his friend Kyle (who was also going with us!) We packed up Kyle's car and drove to Long Island where the Skydiving Center was located.

Here's the website if you wanna take a look!

http://www.longislandskydiving.com/

Upon arriving we could see the air field filled with small planes and 2 big trailers, where we went to register! As soon as we entered we were ushered over to the seats where we had to initial tons paragraphs stating that we wouldn't sue them if we died,

that it was our own choice to jump out of an airplane, and that whatever happened would be our fault. That was followed by a video from the manufacturer of the parachutes. This man (who looked like a mix between Gandolph the Great and an Amish man) explained how there would be no way to sue the company for any type of malfunction... comforting.

After signing our life away, we hopped into a van called 'the shaggin wagon' . It was the coolest car I've ever seen. It was a 1980's van that had been completely gutted on the inside. It had brown carpet on the floor, burnt orange carpet on the sides, and patterned carpet on the ceiling.

We were driven further out on the landing strip and matched up with our Tandem-jumper. Mine was a 6'4'' British man who had dried blood all down the side of his face. He was so hardcore. As he was harnessing me up, he quickly explained what was going to happen (in a complete blur) and then said "got it?"

Basically what I began thinking was this: Wait... that was it? No class or written test, or recitation back? Are we not jumping out of an airplane?!!?

The smallest airplane I've ever seen pulled up on the runway and I was instructed to sit on the floor next to the pilot with my knees to my chest... right next to the only door. My instructor/tandem jumper man crawled in right beside me (as did Charlie and his instructor).

Our take off was extremely smooth and in no time we were flying over the Hamptons and the Atlantic ocean. It was absolutely beautiful!! We spent about 15 minutes in the air and I loved every minute of it. I wasn't nervous at all... I love flying and I love being up among the clouds!

My instructor tapped me on the shoulder instructing me to come to my knees as he strapped me to his harness... after I had placed my goggles on and had checked all my straps, the instructor opened the door right next to me. There I was facing the wide open air with nothing keeping me inside.

This is when I started getting nervous. We put our right foot out on the wheel of the airplane, ducked under the doorway and out onto the side of the plane. Then as we were dangling outside the plane, my instructor yelled "NOW!" and we jumped!

The feeling was unbelievable. At first you're falling 120mph and you can barely breathe. I was screaming at the top of my lungs and gasping for breath at the same time; it was exhilarating beyond belief! Once the parachute opened it was as if we were two feathers floating down toward the earth. It was so peaceful and surreal. I was able to steer the parachute for a while as we turned in 360 circles and did flips in the air.

Half way down, the instructor began loosening the straps connecting the two of us (to make the landing a little easier). However, all I felt was a sensation that at any moment I could become unattached from him and be hurtling towards the ground... not a fun split second :)

The landing was smooth (even though we landed on our butts) and as the parachute lightly fell around us, I was speechless. All I could say was "oh my gosh!" and giggle uncontrollably!

I DID IT!! I JUMPED OUT OF AN AIRPLANE!!!!!

I'm in trouble...

2010-06-07T17:40:00.001-07:00

I've got a huge confession to make.

Something has started to happen to me that I never dreamed in a million years.

I can't believe I have let this happen.

It's time I came clean to myself, to my friends, my family, and the world:

I am officially, unhealthily, over the top addicted to Harry Potter. I literally have let my life fall apart around me. All I do is read these amazing books and I can't believe I ever had a life without Harry P. As I y'all in a previous post, I am reading the books for the first time.

I'm about to finish the 5th book tonight and almost peed my pants when I saw this yesterday:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZSostEQx60M

Also, the Harry Potter theme park opens in Universal Studios on the 18th of June and it took SOOOOO MUCH self control not to book a 4 day vacation there the day it opens.

Well there ya go....

Do what you love and love what you do....

2010-05-28T22:56:00.000-07:00

Tonight I had a wonderful opportunity to taste of the great underground artist scene in New York. A guy I work with invited me and a few other people to see his band play their first gig. My new friends Amber, Bianca and I decided to go, and were pleasantly surprised to find what awaited us! We were given an address and told to head to the rooftop of 218 West 110th Street. As we wound up the spiral staircase towards our destination, we could hear shouting and screaming. We exchanged nervous looks but continued to press forward. As we emerged onto a rooftop over looking the upper west side of Manhattan, we found ourselves amongst a versatile group of artists. Two women were doing an interpretive reading of a work about powerful black women. Dozens of acts followed in what turned out to be a very inspiring evening. There were at least six or seven poets- some amazing and others average. There was a very mediocre comedian, a couple rappers, and a man who did a full Indian spiritual dance. A few awesome musical acts followed and an interpretive modern dancer rounded out the evening.

There we all were, sitting on a rooftop watching these phenomenal people express themselves. They were all doing what they loved to do and it was a pleasure to watch them do it.

We are all given talents.

Depending on how we harvest these talents, it's safe to say that some people are plainly better than others. This doesn't mean however, that they are more gifted. It didn't matter that some of the poets tonight were better than others, because the pleasure came from watching them love what they were doing.

God gives us all talents to touch other people's lives and we should become mindful of what those are! I'm grateful for the talents I have been given, and the talents others have been given that bless my life daily!

Eugh....

2010-05-17T07:38:00.000-07:00

2 Things that are currently annoying me:

1. Couples who show too much PDA- PLEASE STOP MAKING OUT IN PUBLIC!

2. Having a losing baseball team. COME ON MARINERS, YOURE KILLIN ME!

Little facts about my current state....

2010-05-08T22:05:00.000-07:00

Ok. Here are some things that have been stirring up the life of Courtney recently, that I feel are necessary for y'all to know!

1. I am currently reading Harry Potter for the first time. And..... i'm obsessed. My family read the books while they were first coming out; however, being too focused on other things I declined to read them until now. I wanted something fun for the start of spring- something to read outside in the park casually. I regret to inform you that I now spend every waking moment I can reading these books! It's been a month and i'm already half way through the 3rd book! I love it!

2. I am tentatively scheduled to mark the first thing off my bucket list and go skydiving Tuesday May 18th! Holler!

3.I have recently become obsessed with my roommate Jeremy's dog, Belle. She is A-DORABLE!

I mean seriously.... look at that FACE!!!!! -------------------)

4. I get to talk to my sister tomorrow ( Mother's Day) for the first time since Christmas! She is serving a mission for the LDS church and we can only contact her through email and letter. I CANT WAIT!

5. I finally received my passport in the mail today... my friend Amber suggested we put a mark in it as soon as possible, so i believe we'll be catching a bus up to Canada. Watch out world here I come!

6. Today at work, I had to marry the Tabasco bottles together and got Tabasco sauce in my eye. I immediately ran to the bathroom to use some water to pacify my wound. After a couple of splashes Amber informed me that water makes it worse- which I was experiencing. Note to all: Don't ever get Tabasco in your eye.

7. I want to be a hippie for the summer (minus the sex, drugs and alcohol).

Words of Wisdom

2010-04-26T06:11:00.000-07:00

Today i was reading out of a church magazine called The Ensign, and came across an article that struck me to the core! It's called "Becoming a Quality Person NOW" written by Elder Marvin J. Ashton.

In it he talks about how "A quality life is God's greatest wish for us. Life is to be lived well in whatever circumstances we find ourselves. There should not be a waiting period...."

He also said "The personal challenge is not to wait successfully but to live richly, fully and joyfully. The goal is not to wait for the right person, but to be the right person".

Another great point he made was that "the real fun of life is in overcoming obstacles while still happily hoping everything will work out... I freely admit that living with my dreams unfulfilled has proven to be a softening, and humbling influence because it's been so hard. But the anchor is at hand, and because it is, I can progress."

Lastly he says "Regroup, if that's what is needed. Do not wait. Rather fill your life with service, education, personality development, love for all, and other such meaningful traits. Live with purpose each day."

What beautiful advice for everyone, no matter what point in your life you are in! It's never to late to take full advantage of this life God has given you. Don't feel regret or guilt for things in the past. Move forward with faith that God is there and he loves you! Happy Monday :)

To be or not to be?

2010-04-20T20:52:00.000-07:00

I'm an actress.

For years i've tried to fight being stereotyped into one catagory.

I'm not only an actress... I do other things, I believe other things!?

Why did this bother me so much? Why did it crawl under my skin to be classified as an actor?

I'll tell you why: because it made me feel ridiculous.

You know how children always allow themselves to dream big? When asking a child what they want to be they'll always answer honestly. The thing is, all these years i've continued to answer honestly but with nothing to show for it yet.

Because I started feeling ashamed of 'playing make believe' still, I stopped trying. I stopped wanting to be someone. I felt the need to blend into the crowd of the US population, because it was easier.

I've come to the conclusion that i'm going to start shooting for the stars again. I'm going to regain that childlike thought process and become what i've always wanted to be: an actress.

Hamlet said it best "To be or not to be" and I am choosing to be :)

I can't believe it's already April!

2010-04-18T19:21:00.000-07:00

Time has flown by so far this year! Here are some random pictures of fun events so far this year in 2010! What a wonderful year it has been so far! Cheers to making the rest of it just as great :)

I LOVE SNOW!!

The first snow of 2010- at my old apartment in Washington Heights, NYC!

This is our 'we are losing and it's painful' face!

Our boys huddling up before the big game- they lost but they played pretty well for a newbie team!

Katie and I in Madison Square Garden watching the UNC game!

The whole gang (minus Katie) eating our picnic dinner!

Me officially renting my first car on my 25th Birthday and one of the besties (Josh Lattimore) who made it all possible!

The Buried Life

2010-04-10T22:40:00.000-07:00

Light flows our war of mocking words, and yet,
Behold, with tears mine eyes are wet!
I feel a nameless sadness o'er me roll.
Yes, yes, we know that we can jest,
We know, we know that we can smile!
But there's a something in this breast,
To which thy light words bring no rest,
And thy gay smiles no anodyne.
Give me thy hand, and hush awhile,
And turn those limpid eyes on mine,
And let me read there, love! thy inmost soul.

Alas! is even love too weak
To unlock the heart, and let it speak?
Are even lovers powerless to reveal
To one another what indeed they feel?
I knew the mass of men conceal'd
Their thoughts, for fear that if reveal'd
They would by other men be met
With blank indifference, or with blame reproved;
I knew they lived and moved
Trick'd in disguises, alien to the rest
Of men, and alien to themselves--and yet
The same heart beats in every human breast!

But we, my love!--doth a like spell benumb
Our hearts, our voices?--must we too be dumb?

Ah! well for us, if even we,
Even for a moment, can get free
Our heart, and have our lips unchain'd;
For that which seals them hath been deep-ordain'd!

Fate, which foresaw
How frivolous a baby man would be--
By what distractions he would be possess'd,
How he would pour himself in every strife,
And well-nigh change his own identity--
That it might keep from his capricious play
His genuine self, and force him to obey
Even in his own despite his being's law,
Bade through the deep recesses of our breast
The unregarded river of our life
Pursue with indiscernible flow its way;
And that we should not see
The buried stream, and seem to be
Eddying at large in blind uncertainty,
Though driving on with it eternally.

But often, in the world's most crowded streets,
But often, in the din of strife,
There rises an unspeakable desire
After the knowledge of our buried life;
A thirst to spend our fire and restless force
In tracking out our true, original course;
A longing to inquire
Into the mystery of this heart which beats
So wild, so deep in us--to know
Whence our lives come and where they go.
And many a man in his own breast then delves,
But deep enough, alas! none ever mines.
And we have been on many thousand lines,
And we have shown, on each, spirit and power;
But hardly have we, for one little hour,
Been on our own line, have we been ourselves--
Hardly had skill to utter one of all
The nameless feelings that course through our breast,
But they course on for ever unexpress'd.
And long we try in vain to speak and act
Our hidden self, and what we say and do
Is eloquent, is well--but 'tis not true!
And then we will no more be rack'd
With inward striving, and demand
Of all the thousand nothings of the hour
Their stupefying power;
Ah yes, and they benumb us at our call!
Yet still, from time to time, vague and forlorn,
From the soul's subterranean depth upborne
As from an infinitely distant land,
Come airs, and floating echoes, and convey
A melancholy into all our day.
Only--but this is rare--
When a belov'ed hand is laid in ours,
When, jaded with the rush and glare
Of the interminable hours,
Our eyes can in another's eyes read clear,
When our world-deafen'd ear
Is by the tones of a loved voice caress'd--
A bolt is shot back somewhere in our breast,
And a lost pulse of feeling stirs again.
The eye sinks inward, and the heart lies plain,
And what we mean, we say, and what we would, we know.
A man becomes aware of his life's flow,
And hears its winding murmur; and he sees
The meadows where it glides, the sun, the breeze.

And there arrives a lull in the hot race
Wherein he doth for ever chase
That flying and elusive shadow, rest.
An air of coolness plays upon his face,
And an unwonted calm pervades his breast.
And then he thinks he knows
The hills where his life rose,
And the sea where it goes.

-Matthew Arnold

This poem is so inspiring to me. Especially the the small sentence that I highlighted. Such beautiful and wise words on how we as human being live our lives!

Being Single= being awesome

2010-04-02T21:00:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about the value of being single.

DISCLAIMER: Before anyone who is married or in a serious relationship gets angry, I will be the first to admit that the benefits of having a significant other are joyous and sometimes too many to count. Although I look forward to the time when I am joined together with the man I love for eternity; I'm not in this situation, so this blog is going to focus on how being single rules- sorry.

My whole life i've yearned to be with someone. I've wanted that companionship- in fact craved it sometimes. There were points in my life where I desperately wanted a man to 'complete me' like in the fairy tales. Then I got a little taste of love with the man who broke my heart- and I swore it off.

Now I am happy to report that after a year and a half of soul searching, i've come to find a perfectly happy balance for the first time in my life.

Life isn't about finding someone to complete you; it's about allowing God to complete you and finding people to magnify your new found love of self.

I am slowly (but surely) learning the importance of building a lasting relationship with God. Trusting him, turning to him during a time of need, loving him, and loving myself. After all, I am a daughter of God and have divinity in every fiber of my being.

When you allow yourself to blossom you suddenly realize that there is a world out there at your fingertips, and no one stopping you but yourself.

I don't have to answer to anyone other than God. Sure, I have to pay my bills and fulfill my calling, work on my career and continuously stay in tune with what The Lord wants me to be doing; but beyond that- i'm free :)

About a year ago I created a bucket list. I've had this list full of amazing things for far too long, and it's time to begin accomplishing them! First up on the list: Skydiving. I will be going the first week in May!

I am the ONLY ONE from my age group of church friends in high school who is not married. The only one. I have been so happy for all my married friends. One by one i've watched them meet their loves and watched them begin their lives together. I used to be envious of them. In fact, tor a long time I let that singleness define me. I let it be an negative instead of a positive.

Not anymore!

Life is too exiting for me to wait around for Mr. Right. There is nothing attractive about someone who does nothing with their life. This means no waiting- i'm going to be focusing on learning, growing, experiencing and 'going for the gold!'

If Mr. Right wants to find me, he'll have to catch me first- and i'll welcome a good chase anytime ;)

Fairwell Facebook

2010-03-27T22:17:00.001-07:00

My dear friend Kyle decided to point something out to me tonight.

Facebook isn't good for me.

He told me that he thinks it's a good idea if I get off the FBOOK for awhile for various reasons he didn't feel the need to tell me.

I agreed.

And thus begins the journey to re-learn life without facebook.

(at least for a couple months :) )

Happy Birthday to ME!

2010-03-10T21:37:00.000-08:00

Words cannot describe how thankful I feel right now.

Today was my 25th birthday and to be honest- I was dreading it. Not because of the typical 'getting older' aspect. I actually enjoy getting older, and could not be more thrilled to be 25.

However, I was dreading the celebration. I get anxiety trying to please people in these situations. Who wants to go where, what people can afford, what people are interested in. What if you plan something and no one shows up? What if someone plans something you have no desire to do?

I have a tendency to be extremely let down on my birthdays... they seem to never live up to the expectations I set for them (and trust me, I never set the bar too high). This has led me to have an adverse reaction to birthday celebrations.

This year I had wonderful people offer to plan a party for me and I turned them down. Stupid me. Then I decided I wanted to go to a Knicks game- they are playing out of town. A rangers game? Also out of town but only in Jersey- still over $50 per person... too much money.

Then it hit me- i'll go skydiving for my birthday. It's on my bucket list, i've always wanted to do it and I can do it by myself. Too bad skydiving doesn't start until May 1st.

I gave up. I decided I wouldn't do anything, and just at that moment friends swept in and took over.

It turned out to be one of the best birthdays i've ever had, and it was shared by the people who mean the most to me.

This is one of the many ways I am saying thank you.

Thank you to family who so lovingly (from a distance) made me feel special with phone calls and cards. Thank you to the facebook posts, the text messages, and the emails- they all brought a smile to my face! Thank you to the friends who took time and money to plan something for me- y'all went above and beyond anything I could have imagined.

I feel so blessed and so grateful :)

When Life gives you lemons.....

2010-02-11T06:08:00.001-08:00

Upon entering this 'lifestyle' change that I am very excited about, my taste buds were doing anything but jumping for joy.

Seriously. Going from a life of fast food, rich foods, junk foods and all around great tasting foods- to steel cut oats, nonfat yogurt, chicken breast, veggies and hummus- makes your taste buds want to kill you.

This is why I have been so thrilled and finding a little joy I like to call lemons. Lemons squeezed over top of ANYTHING enhances their already dull tastes. Lemons contain:

Vitamin C- 45mg

Calcium- 22mg

Potassium-116mg

Carbohydrates- 7.8g

Protein- .9g

Fat-.25g

Calories-100

Also, drinking a glass of water with lemon in it when you wake up in the morning naturally cleanses your body- hypes up your metabolism, and gets your body alert for the day!

When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade (it has too much sugar)- just use it on EVERYTHING you eat!

p.s. I have now lost 15lbs since I started this new lifestyle, and that is alone from eating healthy. It's time to start taking care of our bodies people!!!

The shrinking game....

2010-02-01T20:32:00.000-08:00

It all started with an email forwarded to me by my roommate Lauren.

Are you unhappy with the way you look?

Consider my attention caught.

Do you want to lose weight?

Yes.

Do you want to earn a good sum of money and be featured in a commercial ad for Hydroxycut by losing weight?

Um... would anyone seriously answer no to that question!?

If so, email us a few pictures of yourself, your age, height, current weight, and the weight you would like to become.

click, click, click....send.

Before I even finished sending my admission I had already forgotten about it. This is how actors learn to cope with constant rejection. You train yourself to forget about everything you audition and submit for; that way when you receive a call back, it's a pleasant surprise! Anyways....

A week ago, as I was checking my email I noticed what looked to be a spam (that I'm thankful I didn't delete). It was the from the good people at Hydroxycut. They had received my email and thought I could possibly be a candidate for their new campaign. I was given a time to come in for a call back.

After many embarrasing, yet exciting events that followed (if you want a detailed account just call me and I'll tell you) I was offered a 'contract' to participate in the program. Basically I am a spokesperson for the new brand of diet pills called Xenadrine Ultra.

These pills are completely safe and a great way to jumpstart a diet if you want!

I receive the pills each month along with a coach who will be my confidant during the process.I was given the opportunity to attend a nutrition class (taught by the very lovely and wise Adele Fridman) and a $100 gift card to whole foods to start this process off correctly! If I make enough progress, and lose the amount of weight which is my goal, then I receive a monetary compensation, and a possible chance to be in a commercial for them!

These people saw something in me. They saw a potential in me that i've been struggling to find in myself. They were so kind, so understanding, and completely motivating.

Everything aside, what really excites me is the opportunity to finally become what I've always known my potential is. People always say "Courtney you don't need to lose weight... you're beautiful the way you are." Thank you for anyone who thinks this. I really appreciate having such wonderful people in my life. However, the point is:

I need to be happy with the way I look and the way I feel.

I need to be healthy and fit.

I need to be able to love myself.

Over the next several months I will be updating you on the weight loss, the program and any tips that I find inspiring... I invite you to join with me if this is something you are struggling with as well.

The point is, we all deserve to live up to our potential. This is the week to figure out those goals, create a plan, and begin execution! We all have such divine potential!

Cheers!

Here I come!!

2010-01-16T12:28:00.000-08:00

I've just spent the past 6 months planning for Graduate School auditions.

I got all the paper work together, recruited old professors for recommendations, spent ridiculous amounts of hours deliberating over which monologues to choose.

It all lead me to the past two days where I spent the entire morning/afternoon auditioning.

I took a break from acting for a year to get my life in order. I needed the opportunity to find myself. I needed to get a check on my spirituality, physicality, and beliefs about the world in general. In short- I needed a break from pretending to be other people, so I could find out who I am. Over the year and a half that I've lived in NYC, I've learned a lot about myself. In fact, I'm kind of sick of myself ;)

Although this year 'off' actually sent me spiraling in the opposite direction, I am so thankful for the decision I made. I wouldn't change it for anything.

This brings us back to the past few days. I've spent all this time preparing and was actually extremely excited for the chance to have a real audition.

I felt great about both of them. Should I win an academy award for the performances? No. Have I made progress since graduating from college... probably not. However, I got back out there and did it. I felt like the underdog, the injured sports player that people weren't expecting back out on the court. I felt wonderful.

I didn't even get a call back. Not one. Which means all 6 months of work really were for nothing, right? (I still have one audition for one school left- but with my track record right now I'm slightly predicting the future.)

Wrong. I am back in the game now. I still have a lot of things to figure out, a lot of things to improve, and a heck of a lot of things to trudge through before I find success. However, you can believe me when I say.... watch out world- Courtney 2010 is coming!!

"Impossible is nothing.

Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they've been given than to explore the power they have to change it.

Impossible is not a fact. It's an opinion.

Impossible is not a declaration. It's a dare.

Impossible is potential.

Impossible is temporary.

Impossible is nothing."

Cheers for a New Year!

2010-01-01T20:39:00.000-08:00

I'm not quite sure what boggles my brain more; the fact that another year has already passed by, or the idea of what this new year can hold in store.

Last year was difficult, and by no means a year I would be dying to repeat. However, I learned a lot from it and I felt in the end, it served it's purpose. Now the idea of 2010 is really exciting to me. I've never been this excited about a year before. Everyone seems to think that 2010 is their year. As if the 'gods' somehow decided this was the year of fruitful blessings for all.

Herein lies the problem with New Year's Resolutions. We somehow feel that we are entitled to a sudden desire/urge to become successful as soon as the clock strikes midnight. This is what I have failed to focus on in the past: what am I going to do to make this year better than the last.

I have the power to make this year great- no one else. I have the control to keep the promises I make to myself- no one else. That's why this year I want to strive to simply do what I say i'm going to do. No excuses, no white lies to get out of things. I'm going to follow through on things I have control over.

I am filled with optimistic anticipation for the future. This year will be grand, because I am going to treat myself the way I deserve to be treated. I will stand up for myself, and not allow others to wrong me. I absolutely LOVE COURTNEY 2010 :)

Happy New Year!